Day 365: Thank you for reading

The year sure passed by and most of the people who made this year are not even with us at the end of it. We lost a few but gained so many so I guess it's a win-win situation then. I love how most of us said they couldn't make it but then here we are. All fighting and grinding our way through. We made it. It's raining and a bit chilly but we made it. We lost some friends and lovers and gained a myriad of scars but here we are. Congratulations, we made it.

This writing challenge started as my gratitude for starting a better beginning since 2016-2017 sucked. A lot of things that I didn't desire happened and almost and lost most of my relatives. This blog existed way before that but I opened it once more as a sign of gratitude in surviving the worst years of my life. I know that there will be more to come but I have to count my little victories. Sometimes, I accept the fact that the best thing you can do for a year is survive. I never thought it was possible to do this but here we are, 365 works of literature in 365 days. It was difficult at times but here it is. 

And for all who read my blogs, thank you. You made me feel like a competent writing despite mostly spitballing at my works.The appreciation of the few individuals meant so much and it gave me courage to do a lot of things.

This will be the end of my rantingmillenial blog. A lot pointed out how wrong is the spelling of "millenial" it should be "millennial" It was an honest mistake but I decided to never change it at all since the all the links I shared will be rendered broken if I changed it. This is my last post on this blog and I shall seek other writing pursuits in the future. I have another one in wordpress but I won't be posting daily. 

I will focus more on my studies and exploring other mediums of art such as drawing. A book published is my lifelong dream but for now I shall focus on the small stuff.

In the end, thank you readers! 

Day 364: The sky cried today

The rain has poured heavily this morning

in the end, even the sky is crying

I guess the year will end cleansing

all the things that made us bleeding

Maybe the rain does not symbolize

a year ending, jeopardize

It is cleansing, when we realize

it's the same with the tears in our eyes

But for those victims of the typhoon

keep safe, it will all be over soon

endure all this, as storms will come again

but it takes courage to dance in the rain

When all the calamities calm

and this year has finally passed

I hope we can all have a new beginning

and our lives keep improving

so for the rain, please cleanse it all

things that in ourselves took a toll

and all the wishes come true

for we only want the sky to be blue

Day 363: Plot Twist

Patapos na ang taon pero marami pa rin ang nagiintay ng plot twist. Pero ang totoo naman sa mga nagiintay ng plot twist ay hindi sila humahanap ng bagong karanasan o taong makikilala. Bagkus, ang hinahangad nila ay masagot sa paraan na sang ayon sa kanila ang tanong na: "Baka naman pwede pa?"

Natapos ang taon at maraming nangyari. Maraming dumating pero alam naman natin na mas maraming nawala. Pwedeng gamit, alaala, ugali o mas malala... tao. Isang tao na akala mo habang buhay mong makakasama ay iniwan ka sa taon na ito. At parang bula na lang siyang nawala. Marahil niloko ka o gumising siya ng isang araw na hindi na siya interesado sayo pero ang malinaw ngayon, ay wala na talaga siya sa buhay mo.

Kaya ang nangyayari ngayon gusto mong umusad na sa bagong taon pero gusto mo sana makasama siya sa huling pagkakataon. Nakakatawa na ang plot twist ngayon ay mas umikot na sa ganung konsepto. Hindi naman talaga tayo nag momove on sa mga bagay bagay, natututo lang tayo libangin ang sarili natin sa iba. Kaya ngayon na patapos ang taon, wala ng ibang inintay kundi yung bagay na nawala ay bumalik.

Alam ko na masarap maibalik ang tamis ng kahapon pero iba nag ligaya na pwedeng ibigay ng kinabukasan. Palagi tayong "ibalik ang nakaraan" hindi ba pwedeng mangarap naman tayo ng bago? Simula na tayo uli sa bagong taon na may mga bagong alaala. Ibaon sa limot ang mga dapat kalimutan at ibaon sa puso ang karapatdapat pangalagaan. Di natin kailang ng plot twist, kailangan natin maging positibo higit sa lahat.

Day 362: Happy

As much as possible never leave someone alone with their thoughts. Because ironically, our own thoughts is what destroys us the most. Funny how scorned people has the idea that they can hurt us but in reality they are only powerful as the reactions that we give them. Without the flooding thoughts, all would seem powerless in the world. 

But that does not mean you have the right to  hurt people. You have to understand that people hurt themselves and the best thing you can do is to be kind. There's no cost to that. Fights and petty arguments for attention or proof of bravery are stupid and childish. Learn to be mature enough. 

The year will end and there come those pseudo resolutions and tearful lookback. But behind the desire for more cash, healthy body and other worldly things. All we want is to be happy.

Day 361: Standards of Happiness

Our standards for happiness grew over time. Back then we sought sweets, little amount of coins and a silly source of entertainment. We were that shallow but as time goes by they all wither away. What we want is the greater things in life. There is nothing wrong with that but in search of those things; the plot twists, huge amount of cash, almost everyone's approval and many more. We tend to grow unhappy because they are long term goals and we want them now. 

As kids we always count the little achievements. Whether it's winning a silly game, picking up a random coin on the side of the road or just being praised by doing a little task. All of that made us happy. Counting those little victories along the was was enough fro us to make us smile. Because of this we thought that growing up we would have this happiness more since we would be of legal age and we ought to have more money. But boy, we were wrong.

I don't know what made us miserable growing up. Is it the over the top expectations? The disappointments of growing up? or the fact that we were losing hope as we learn about the world. Whatever it is, someone please figure it out.

Day 360: Price of beauty

If there is one thing that I've learned in my subjects in my first semester in UPLB is that they all anchor in one thing: human dignity. They all seek to build great things and put things into retrospection for the sake that people will feel confident in themselves. Social development aims to build up human dignity. History gives that sense of identity. Community planning gives that comfortable way of living that we all want. Ethics provides arguments where we could flourish and see our value as an individual. Human ecology showed how we are all interconnected to one another. Huma family development is a statement how valuable we are as an individual let alone being a member of a family. Human kinetics is about taking care of yourself while enjoying the life outside. Disciplines that may seem vastly different but overall they just build up the dignity of a person in order to thrive. However, some people fail to use this dignity in proper application.

Which bring up to our topic for this post: The price of beauty. Beautiful people often does not know the true feeling of love or maybe they do not have the concept of being loved in deeper introspection. Often, the lovers they have only want them to build their ego. As they can show off this attractive person to the public and maybe brag to a couple of friends and relatives about them. This craving to feed the much worse ego is often misunderstood for love. They weren't loved in the first place, they were just good for their ego. Good for covering up insecurities. They say that it takes courage to love, but it is depressing to know that cowards have it the most.

I've seen the prettiest of girls and guys crying over questionable creatures. They keep asking why they were cheated, lied, left without a word, and loved for a moment then decided they just don't. But as a matter of fact, they weren't love in the first place.the love did not disappear, it just never existed.

Another price of beauty is that people does not bother knowing you deeper because they love what their eyes see. They would disregard everything you do and put you in the highest pedestal where they even set the standards for you. You have to act like this and like that. It's as if you cannot make a mistake because you are appealing to the eyes and people or even your lover would not believe that you can make mistakes. 

The price of beauty in love is too high as you can never be certain if that person really wants you or they just want what's best for their ego. Maybe if we can see souls instead of faces, imagine how different we see love then.

Day 359: Merry Christmas!!!

I wish everyone the best of days and happiness. May you all find the happiness you seek. Things will always work out in the end I promise and let this be the day that you claim that. Believe that things will get better from here and do your best to improve yourself. 

Fix everything you know that is wrong about you, if you think that there is none, even one. You need to reassess yourself and dig deeper into your personality. I won't ask you to mend that broken bridges rather create new one for the path of tomorrow. May all the wrong be right and never the vice versa.

Let go of anything that bothers you and smile for a brighter tomorrow. Love anyone who loves you back and appreciate those who love you now rather than those who only loves you in your fantasies. Warm hugs from family is always better especially in this cold weather. 

Day 358: Hindi ako marupok

Hindi ako marupok, sadyang nung nagkita tayo ay malungkot ako
at napunan mo ang kalungkutan na yun
Napatawa mo ko sa panahon na
akala ko wala ng ligaya sa mundo
Nagkataon lang na ipinaramdam mo sakin
 ang mga bagay na hinahanap ko
ng matagal ng panahon at naibigay mo lahat
ng pangangailangan ko
Hindi ko alam kung paano naging posible
na nasa isang tao lahat ng kailangan ko ng
pagkakataon na yun pero nasayo lahat
kaya ayun nahulog ako sayo

 Pero hindi ako marupok

Sadyang iba lang ang dating mo.

Dumating ka sa tamang panahon at pagkakataon
ng buhay ko kaya ako mabilis nahulog sayo
pero hindi ako marupok
 Hindi naman pagiging marupok a
ng paghahangad ng pagmamahal
 Malungkot lang ako at pinasaya mo kaya ako nahulog
Wasak na binuo at kulang na kinumpleto kaya ako nahulog
pero kahit kelan di ako naging marupok.

Day 357: Growing Up

Remember the days when we were so eager to grow up? It's like we couldn't wait to have these responsibilities. No one said that it would be this hard. We were promised freedom not constraints of the society. We became too woke that we couldn't enjoy the little victories of life. Love, money, freedom and power over ourselves are what we craved growing up. But what we have today is far from what expect. It feels like we have a little hole in our hearts where the happiness slowly drips and now we have none. We couldn't wait growing up and this is what we become.

One thing that adulthood took toll the most is christmas. A few days away but still the cold breeze is the only reminder that it is coming. The lights that once made the night sky and day indistinguishable became dim. Some just lost interest of it. Few puts up these lights and others do not wish to decorate anymore. Caroling became a mere business rather than a form of culture. Some only sang the last verses of the song and ask for money. It's like the entire country just lost the christmas spirit where we were all ecstatic about it. Somewhere between the lines of growing up, our culture took toll. 

Day 356: Kapag naiwan ka...

Kapag naiwan ka, wala ka ng ibang magagawa kundi tanggapin na lang. Kasi kung hindi, habang buhay mong dadalhin ang sakit at pait sa sarili mo. Magdadala ka nang galit sa puso mo na hindi na maghihilom. Para kang uminom ng lason tapos inaasahan mong mamatay yung ibang tao para sayo. Gusto mong lumaban para sa taong hindi ka ipinaglaban. Tanggapin mo na lang na ganun ka lang kadaling sukuan ng taong ayaw mong sukuan. Nakakainis na sobrang hirap ng ginawa mong paglaban para sa kanya pero sa oras na nahirapan siya sayo, suko siya agad. Hindi ka na niya inintay umalis, siya na ang unang lumisan. Kahit kailan hindi mo na kayang ipaglaban ang taong una ka pang sinukuan. Kaya tanggapin mo na lang.

Pero ito yung nakakatawa sa pag tanggap o sa pag momove on; akala mo okay ka na. Laging ganyan. Ililihis mo yung sarili mo sa mga bagay na malayo sa kaniya. Makikipagkilala ka sa ibang tao, maglalaro ka at magsasaya kasama ang mga kaibigan, lilibangin ang sarili sa hobbies, magiinom, pupuntang concert at kung ano ano pang gawain na pwedeng makapag alis sa kaniya sa isip mo. Hindi mo naman talaga tinatanggap na wala na siya, nililibang mo lang naman talaga ang sarili mo. Hindi naaalis ang malaking bahagi niya sa buhay mo bagkus pinapatungan mo lang to ng maliliit na bagay pero andun pa rin siya. Andun pa rin siya. Kasi sa huli hindi mo naman talaga nilimot o tinanggap na iniwan ka, iniba mo lang ang atensyon mo dahil...

Sa oras na makita mo siyang uli, kahit anong tagal na nang pag momove on mo, sa oras na makita mo siya muli ay manghihina ka na naman. Back to zero ka na naman. Yung lakas ng loob na inipon mo at yung saya na akala mo totoo, ay nawawala sa isang sulyap mo sa kaniya. Dun mo maiisip na wala namang kwenta yung mga bagay na ginawa mo. Kasi hanggang ngayon siya pa rin, siya ang isinigaw ng puso mo. Hindi dahil nilibang mo sarili mo ibig sabihin ayos ka na. Minsan pag nakita mo pa siya hindi lang basta babalik yung damdamin eh, babalik din yung unang araw na nagkita kayo, kung gaano pa yung kilig mo sa kaniya at yung mga alaala na masaya pa kayo. Lahat yung babalik eh, manghihina ka at hindi mo mamamalayan na nahuhulog ka na naman sa kaniya. Kahit na...

Ayos na ang buhay niya ng wala ka. Nakausad na siya at posibleng meron ng iba pero ikaw umaasa parin sa posibilidad na meron pa. Alam mo na ang selfish isipin na sana malungkot siya na nawala ka pero still... Masaya na siya eh, maayos na ang buhay niya habang ikaw nagsisimula na naman uli. May bagong kinang na sa kaniyang mga mata at may iba nang isinigaw ang puso niya at hindi na yun ikaw. Kahit anong lungkot o lugmok mo ay hindi na maibabalik ang nakaraan. Nakamove on na sIya at masaya habang ikaw patuloy na nagpapanggap.

Pero take time to heal muna. Hayaan mo muna magsugat ka sa ngayon at unti unti kang maghilom sa paparating na panahon. Darating ka naman sa punto na matatanggap mo ang lahat. Hindi limot, dahil minsang naging masaya ka at may mga aral naman na naiwan na bibitbitin mo sa kinabukasan para di na maulit ang ganitong pangyayari. 

Darating naman ang araw na may isang tao na ibibigay sayo ang lahat wala ka pa mang hinihingi. Handa siya magsakripisyo at mahalin ka ng walang iniintay na kapalit. Siya ang magiging tama sa mga bagay na nangyari na mali sayo. Maghihilom ka rin balang araw pero hindi ngayon.

Day 355: Taken for granted

May joke noon sa facebook na kung anong pipiliin mo: utak o pera? Sumagot yung lalaki ng utak sabay sabat ng nagtanong, "pinipili talaga natin yung mga bagay na wala tayo" Nakakatawa lang na akala mo matalino ka na dahil pinili mo ang utak pero ang totoo ay ipinakita lang pala nun sayo kung anong wala sayo. Ilagay mo yun sa konteksto ng isang tao na umaasa at nagpapaasa. Baka kaya di nila tayo pinili kasi alam nilang di naman tayo aalis kahit anong mangyari.

Mas trip ata nilang habulin yung alam nilang hindi pa baliw na baliw sa kanila. Kasi nung una naman kasi ganun din sila satin pero ngayon wala na. Siguro madali na nga lang iwanan yung mga tao na alam mong di naman aalis, alam mong hindi ka iiwan. Andali nila itaken for granted, andali nating itaken for granted...

Bakit nga ba bumababa ang halaga ng isang bagay kapag hawak na natin? Parang cellphone lang eh, sa simula ayaw natin siyang magasgasan pero sa pag tagal may pag swap pang nalalaman at ibinebenta ng ilan para sa bago. Ayos lang sya gawin sa cellphone pero isipin mo tao ka, sobrang saya niya nung una ka niyang minahal tapos habang tumatagal nawawala na lang siya bigla at makikita mo nasa iba na bigla.

Nakakalungkot lang isipin na ang taong minsan ay nakakita ng bituin sa mga mata mo ay biglang mawawalan ng interes sayo at iiwan kang magisa. Kahit anong init talaga sa simula ay nanlalamig talaga pag matagal na. Nakakatuwa pakinggan yung mga relasyong nagtagal pero ang tanong ay ilang beses silang nawalan ng interes sa isa't isa? Kung masaya ka ngayon tingin mo hanggang kailan?

 "Mahal kita" Sambit niya ng may kinang sa kaniyang mga mata, "Hanggang kailan", tanong ko ng may pag aalinlaangan.

Day 354: Why romanticize cheating?

This generation has become hopeless romantic to the extent that cheating is romanticized. Sadly, we live in a time where cheating is tolerated while loyalty is laughed upon.  Cheaters are even praised as if lovers are trophy to be collected. Their actions, no matter how destructive, are even defended by some. They are justified to the extent that the victim should feel bad for being cheated upon. It's as if it is your fault that you are never enough for that person. 

Stop romanticizing an act that shows no love in the first place. If you really want that other person, have the decency to break up first rather than "loving" them at the same time. It never works, even kings who did that fell down at one point, so what can one peasant like you do?

I guess this desperate search for love for some became a playground for cheaters. Some were desperate enough to take people who are already taken. Desperation for love has been prominent to the extent that most wishes for more than one lover. 

People sometimes argue that we have no control over our feelings, in justifying those cheater. Though that is true, we may have no control over our feeling, but we have full control of our actions. Feelings was never an excuse for cheating. Since actions can be controlled and it is you who moved voluntarily towards another person and away from the one who loves you first. It is a matter of choice to act upon those feelings so in a sense, cheating is always linked to a person's action and is done voluntarily.

Never romanticize cheating. Just imagine the pain that the one being cheated upon. If you were being cheated upon and cheating will never make you powerful. Cheating just puts you in a position when you can lose one person while being at risk of losing love for a lifetime. 

My only wish for those cheated upon is that they never grow tired of being in love. I wish that they still have the courage to love again despite being cheated upon. And for the cheaters, they'll get the same feeling sooner or later.

Day 353: Issues

Sobrang judgmental ng mga tao ngayon. Sa lahat ng gagawin mo ata may masasabi sila eh. Magsuot ka ng maikli pokpok ka, pag mahaba maria clara masyado. Kapag lumaban ka, guilty kapag tumahimik ka guilty. Kapag nakipag away ka warfreak, kapag hindi, duwag. Kapag single ka, masyadong mataas ang standards at panget daw. Kapag taken, lumalandi na agad. Isang mali mo tanga ka, isang tama mo plastik ka. Kaya kong punuin ang blog post na to ng mga ganyang label na inilalagay ng tao ngayon pero hindi yun ang pinupunto ko rito.

Dahil sa mga ganyang katarantaduhan sa mundo, takot tayo makipag commit dahil sa sasabihin din ng ibang tao. Ayaw nilang mag jowa ng panget kahit nahuhulog na sila kasi takot sila sa sasabihn ng ibang tao. Ayaw nila sa ganito ganyan dahil sa sinasabi ng iba. Para bang umikot na ang mundo natin sa opinyon ng iba at hindi sa mga bagay na tunay na nagpapasaya satin. Kelan ba nagkaron ng pamantayan ang mga bagay na nagpapasaya sa atin? Dapat ba talaga may magsabi sayo na ayan ay tama o mali bago mo malaman ang halaga?

Alam ko na hindi mo mababago ang sinasabi ng iba pero maiiba mo ang ugali mo ukol sa ginagawa mo rito. Pero naiintindihan ko naman yung iba bakit sila nahuhulog sa patibong dahil talagang nakakarindi na ang mundong mapang husga na kapag sila naman ang inilagay mo sa sitwasyon ay di rin naman nila alam ang gagawin. 

Takot nga sa commitment sa mga bagay pero kapag may tao na gumawa ng dapat gagawin nila at nagawa ito ng ayos ay andaming sasabihin. Putek sana kayo na lang ang gumawa. Pero hindi eh, iintayin ka nila magkamali bago sila kumilos at magbigay ng suhestiyon kahit sa simula pa lang ay hinihingi mo na naman talaga yun. Lahat na ng pwede sabihin sinasabi, nakakainis na talaga.

Isang henerasyon na takot sa 'commitment' pero ang hilig naman maglagay ng 'label' sa lahat ng bagay. Wala kang gagawing tama sa paningin ng iba pero sila mismo hindi makakilos ng tama. Nakakainis lang.

Day 352: Mistaken

In a generation where very few genuine good people exist, we often mistook kindness for desire. And that leaves us heartbroken everytime because some people only seeks to offer help as much as they could and there is no feelings behind that. Caring and loving are two things that may go hand in hand but you can care without falling in love but to prove love, you have to care. But that is for another issue. It just pains me that every simple action now is mistaken for flirting since being a genuine person with no intentions exist.

By this, we expect so much from people who are really nice and get mad at them from breaking our hearts even though we were the one who drowned ourselves by our own expectations. We end up pushing people away who are better of as friends just because we can't help falling in love with every person who shows sincerity.

Let's take it easy for now. Not everything has to revolve around love. There are no damsels in distress in real life and no knights in shining armor. We are all lost souls looking to fix ourselves and that cannot be done if we insist on every person we meet in our lifetime.

As funny as the term 'marupok' sounds, it speaks to us in a spiritual level where are desperate for love that we fall for everything and everyone. Let's accept the fact that one can be a genuine good person without feelings involved. You are not considered a good person if you're only nice to people who you are inlove with, it doesn't work that way.

Let us all try to be a good person without any feelings involved. There is a fine line between flirting and being a kind person. If you really like someone, clear up your intentions and say it forward. the benefit of doubt never benefits anyone. Make kindness a common thing so that people won't mistook it for love.

Day 351: Minsan...

Minsan nakakalimutan natin na tingnan ang sarili natin. Natitingnan lang natin siya kapag tayo na yung biktima, naiwan o kawawa. Pero madalas natin pansinin nga naman yung nasa ibang tao kaysa nasa sarili natin. Para bang ang hirap lunukin ang pride na aminin na may mali tayo. Ayun ang mahirap eh, kapag sugatan tayo ang tingin natin sa sarili ay nakakaawa at walang ginawa kahit sa simula naman eh tayo naman ang gumawa ng sugat na yun sa sarili natin. Para bang may comfort sa paghahanap ng sisisihin. Kaya yung iba ay tumanda na ng tumanda pero di na umunlad ang pagkatao.

Ganyan din tayo pag nagmamahal eh, lahat tayo makasarili, gusto natin atin lang at tama naman yun. Pero may manipis na linya sa pagitan ng nagpapahalaga at nananakal. Kasi pwede mong ilaban na masaya ka sa kaniya, pero ang tanong masaya ba siya sayo? Baka naman kasi minsan sobra ka na sa mga bawal, eh wala na sa katwiran. Baka naman alam mo nang ayaw na niya nun gagawin mo pa. Minsan gusto mo pa layuan niya kaibigan niya at piliin ka niya sa lahat ng pagkakataon. Di mo alam na sa takot mong mawala siya eh nasasakal na pala kaya sa paghawak mo nang mahigpit ay itinutulak mo na palayo.

Kaya matuto sana tayong kapain ang damdamin ng iba bago ang sarili, Walang masama sa pagiingat pero tingnan muna kung ukol pa ba. At minsan isipin mo muna ano bang meron sayo bago ka manisi ng iba. Madaling sabihin sa mundo na mabait ka pero sa mata kaya ng iba ganun pa rin kaya? 

Day 350: Fixer

Someone told me once, "don't date broken people" and I questioned that logic and tried to neglect it. It seemed harsh and cruel not to give those broken souls a chance to love again. Maybe I can offer them what others have forsaken them to. Leaving them just like that is cruel. They deserve the love they gave and return to their old self where they can love again. "If someone needs love, its them" I said so myself. And boy, I have never been wrong and broken at the same time.

Then I met someone, she was a mess of all sorts. Been cheated to, lied and all sorts of wrong one could receive. Falling in love with her is the easy part, making her love me is the hard part. I was pushed away multiple times, for broken people pushes you away not because they don't want you (though that may be a case) but broken people push you away because they were cynical of love in the first place. The fear of being broken more pushes more makes them pushed away even more. Somewhere between the lines you just give up, as I gave up entirely. Because the line between persistence and annoyance is paper thin.

But there will come a time when you finally 'win' their heart but it will never feel like that. There will be paranoia and suspicions everytime. It is difficult because being a human being, you have your limits to. But you still love that someone with everything. Giving all you have since you have this pressing thought that they need to be fixed. And when time comes, you realize that you are no longer a partner or a lover, you are merely a fixer.

The thing is, broken people break people. The wounded can still hurt and even kill. If you love them out of pity or you wish to act as their therapist then be their friend instead. Because loving them takes too much toll on yourself that filling their needs drain what you have. Then at this point you realize that love is not a factor in staying. Because when people get tired they contemplate on that thought.

Then you realize that they will break you too. Fixing them breaks you in the process. Now I understand why they said "don't date broken people" Because loving them with all your heart is never enough because when you finally "fixed" them, they leave. Leaving you broken than they were when you met them. So in the process of fixing them, you became the broken one yourself.

Day 349: To the one she loved before

You left her broken, and I picked up the debris. She was a mess when I first saw her, bleeding and crying of the wounds you caused. She refuse believe to what I can offer as you have lied too much and her fantasies of true love has been shattered. Her trust is broken as her will is shattered. First time I learned that is the day I knew, that she could never love me as she loved you. She was all sorts of mess, my type of mess.

I will forever be a shadow of the sins that you made. Anything I do that parallels your actions will induce paranoia in her. I could never make a mistake since those things will remind her of what you were then. You loved her before me and this is the punishment I have for not meeting her sooner. I am a suspect of a crime I didn't commit and a reflection of someone, I never wish to be. Funny how the one who loved her truly is the one paying for the one who loved falsely.

You received her love way before me and you have the highest degree that you could ever take from her. You were first, so I have to live with the fact that no matter how I do, I will always be a shadow of you. My efforts will always be second to you and in this game, I'm the one who's giving more.

But I am not complaining as these things happen in life. I'm happy you let go of her because it gave me a chance to show her what genuine care is. I just can't accept that did you have to break her so hard that the one who can love her true have to suffer much? But one things is for sure, I will never be you.

Because hurting her is a sin you have no reason to commit. You can blame everything in the world: lying ex lovers, family problems, or other perplexities of life but it all boils down on you. She only wanted you love her at best but you didn't. You were all the sorts of wrong with yourself and she has nothing to do with it.

Do me a favor and fix yourself before you love again. Because I feel sorry for the next guy who will love another girl you break. To you love is a sport, but believe me when not all guys are like you. We only need one and one for the lifetime.

You had every chance to make her happy and you wasted all of those opportunities. You lost such a fine gal and you have to live with that.

Day 348: Slowly but surely

Slowly but surely ka raw kapag sinusuyo o nagiintay sa taong gusto o minahal mo na. Dahan dahan lang ang proseso dahil baka masayang ang pagkakataon kapag minadali. Na kahit matagal ang proseso ay ayos lang dahil may ibubunga naman sa dulo. Pero hindi ba lahat ng bagay nakadepende pa rin sa taong gusto? Minsan kahit ilang taon ay walang kwenta, kung di ka talaga gusto. Slowly but surely, ayun ba yung unti unti nang lumalalim yung nararamdaman mo habang wala pa ring kasiguraduhan na mapapasa iyo?

Turo kasi ng magulang natin ay lahat ng bagay na gusto mo ay dapat iniintay, pinaghihirapan. Pero hindi naman nila sinabi na minsan madaya ang tadhana. Wala siya sa pagsisikap o sa oras na naghintay ka. Nakaasa siya sa palad ng iba. Siguro hindi siya sinabi satin dahil kahit mismo ang matatanda na ay hindi kayang tanggapin na ang kapalaran nila ay nakaasa sa iba. Kahit ibuhos mo lahat ng meron ka, kapag nagdesisyon ang kapalaran na hindi para sayo, hindi para sayo.

Day 347: Survivors

Hey the one readings this who is broken and has given out of love. I just want you to know that I'm proud of you. As any other hopeful romantics does and as many broken souls does. I'm proud of you. Not just because you loved well and did everything you could to make the person stay but also- despite how many times you've been hurt, you can still love so much. Offer the love that most have taken away from you. And that is the type of lover I want to be.

You see, every person is good and is a giver until someone pushes them to the corner and drive them insane. Only a few survive that, but I am not condemning those who gave up. It's just those who smiled after that deserves credit. Because people don't give enough credit to those who survived. Rather they are condemned and labeled as stupid for trying again and getting hurt. Survivors of love who are brave enough to love whole only gets criticism for trying and why do we criticize people who try?

Maybe some cannot accept the fact that some are braver than them. Those who gave up will always have something to say while those who persist will keep going and cancel the noises. So if you ever got hurt for love, It's fine, it means that you loved right. If you still take things so hard even after you've fallen in love multiple times, then you know you always give it your all which only means you always care and you deserve the world for it.

Day 346: Friends with ex

Alam mo yung pakiramdam na niloko ka tapos humanap ng iba tapos nung di nagwork out, biglang balik sayo kasi ikaw daw talaga. Takte no? Parang sinabi niya na "I shall return" pero ang tanong: "why did you leave in the first place?" Masyado nating niroromanticize yung mga taong umalis tapos kapag nauntog babalik eh bakit ayaw natin itanong kung bakit sila umalis sa simula pa lang? Ano yun? Nung nagdurusa ka at luhaan wala siya tapos nung naghihilom ka bigla siyang dadating para sabihin na di ka pala niya kayang mawala. Pero sa mata ng taong may tamang pang unawa o nasa labas ng sitwasyon, makikita na kaya siya bumalik dahil palpak yung ipinalit sayo.

Hindi na kayo babalik sa dati kahit alam mo na nasanay na kayo sa presensya ng isa't isa. Kaya pupunta kayo sa pinaka "safe" Ayun ang maging magkaibigan uli. Alam mo, minsan nakakainis yung mga ganito, di ko nilalahat pero marami kasi. Nawawalan ng halaga at pagkasagrado yung ibig sabihin ng pagiging magkaibigan, kasi ang isang tao na ituturing mong kaibigan ay isang tao na maaasahan mo sa problema, pwede mo siyang iyakan at sa piling niya wala kang pag aalinlangan dahil alam mong ligtas ka sa kaniya. Sa kahit anong tatlong bagay na yun ang ex na gustong makipagkaibigan ay hindi pasok dahil; una paano mo aasahan ang isang tao sa problema na binigyan ka ng problema sa simula? Problema mo nga na iniwan ka niya kaya paano siya tutulong sa mga problema mo? Pangalawa, iiyakan ng walang pag aalinlangan, paano ka iiyak sa tao na minsan ay ang naging dahilan ng pagkaubos ng luha mo?  At huli ay ligtas ka sa piling niya... Paano mo mararamdaman ang kaligtasan at seguridad sa taong minsan na nagdesisyon isang araw na gusto ka niyang iwan at palitan ng iba. Hindi lang dito naikot pero talagang bumaba na ba ang pamantayan natin sa mga kaibigan?

Pero mahirap nga makipag kaibigan sa taong minsang nagbukas ng sugat sa puso mo. Yung pagbabalik niya ay parang paglalagay lamang ng asin sa sugat na hindi pa naman talaga naghihilom. Magkaibigan nga kayo pero hindi maitatanggi na may sumisilip ng posibilidad ng balikan o sadyang gusto mo na siya itaboy para makausad ka na sa buhay mo ng tuluyan.  Mahirap maipit dahil tulad nga ng sinabi ko kanina, nasanay na kayo sa isa't isa. Maraming tatakbo sa isip mo pero susubukan mong manatiling kaibigan kayo, pero paano ka nga ba magsisimula uli kasama ang taong minsan kang niloko?

Day 345: Nasasaktan din ang nang iwan

Laging pinaguusapan yung mga iniwan, eh kapag naghiwalay naman parehas lang din naman sila nasasaktan. Siguro sa iba nanloko, pero may mga sadyang nasagad na kaya sila yung umalis kaya kahit sila yung lumabas na masama, ay tatanggapin na lang nila. Nakakainis isipin na hindi ka naman sadyang nangiwan lang bigla, minsan ikaw na rin yung naumay na sa mga palusot, panloloko at kasinungalingan niya kaya nag desisyon ka nang umalis na lang. Imbis na maging bihag ng damdamin ay ikaw na ang pumulot sa sarili mo at nagdesisyon na umalis na para sa kapakanan mo na rin.

Ang mahirap lang ay ikaw ang lumalabas ng masama sa paningin ng mga tao. Hindi nila alam ang mga pinagdaanan mo kaya nagdesisyon ka nang umalis. Minsan nga pabiktima pa masyado yung iniwan mo siya naman tong kayo pa eh naghahanap na ng iba. Tapos kapag nagdesisyon ka umusad sa buhay mo na di siya kasama ay kung ano ano pa maririnig mo. Parang wala ka nang karapatan sumaya at mabuhay na wala siya. Sana naman isipin muna ng mga naiwan bakit ba sila naiwan kaysa naghahanap ng sisisihin. Paano ka nga naman lalapit pa kung paulit ulit ka nang itinulak palayo?

Problema kasi sa mga tao ay gusto nila sila ang biktima, sila ang nakakaawa. Kaya kapag may ginawa siang masama na sapat para iwan sila, ang makikita nila ay yung pangiiwan sa kanila, hindi yung mga bagay na ginawa nila na nakakasakit na pala. '

Kaya magingat tayo sa mga kinakaawaan natin at mga nasasaktan kuno, may mga nangyayari na di alam ng karamihan.

Day 344: Bakit nga ba masakit maiwan?

Masakit maiwan siguro dahil yung akala mo habang buhay nawala ng ilang minuto ng tuluyan. Yung masaya naman kayo pero wala na ang bigla kasi nagdesisyon siya. Ang masaklap pa dun ay hindi siya magpapaliwanag o magpapaalam man lang basta gumising siya ng isang araw at nagdesisyon siya na di ka na niya mahal at nagdesisyon siya na may mahal na siyang iba. Mahirap lang siguro tanggapin na kahit kailan pala di ka pwede pakampante sa damdamin ng tao dahil maiisip mo na ganun ka lang pala kadali palitan. Okay na sana yung iwan ka eh, kaso yung makita mong nakayakap na lang bigla sa iba, parang may kirot sa puso na di mo maipapaliwanag ang sakit, na yung mga luha mo gusto lumabas ngunit nilalabanan mo dahil ayaw mong magmukhang mahina sa harapan niya.

Ang mahirap kasi kapag iniwan ka ay di mo lang basta iisipin na nagbabago ang damdamin ng tao. Iisipin mo kung saan ka ba nagkamali, nagkulang ka ba? sumobra ba masyado? May nagawa ka bang mali na di mo alam? may nasabi ka ba? Masakit siya kasi hindi lang siya ang iisipin mo bagkus pati ang mga bagay sa sarili mo ay pagdududahan mo na. Kaya nga napakalaking trahedya na ang isang tao na gusto magmahal ng sobra ay sumuko sa pag ibig dahil alam mong may nangyari sa kaniya na hindi kanais nais. Sa pag lisan siya ay kasama ng pagbaba ng tingin mo sa sarili mo. Kung panget ka ba masyado o sadyang walang kwenta ang pagkatao. Ilalaban mo na mahal mo pa rin siya pero hindi mo namamalayan na sarili mo na pala ang iyong nakakalimutan. Pasensya ka, nagmahal ka eh.

Ginawa mong mundo na ang tingin sayo ay isang parte lamang ng koleksyon. Isa ka lamang sa mga taong minahal niya kahit na para sa iyo siya na ang lahat sa buhay mo. Isang tuldok ka lamang sa kaniya habang siya ay ang kalahati ng libro ng buhay mo. Kaya niyang mabuhay ng wala ka kahit wala ka. Uusad siya, sasaya, ngingiti at tatawa ng wala ka. Habang ikaw nilalamon ng kalungkutan, siya masaya na sa iba.

Kung maswerte ka, maguusap kayo at ipapaliwanag sayo ang sitwasyon. Tapos habang nagpapaliwanag siya ay lalo lang gugulo ang isip mo. Ipipilit niya na hindi ka nagkulang kahit na ayun ang nararamdaman mo dahil humanap siya ng iba. Tapos ipipilit niya na makakamove on ka rin naman kahit alam mo na ikaw sa sarili mo ay ayaw mo naman bumitaw. Gagawin mo ang lahat para makalimutan siya pero sa oras na magisa ka na uli kasama ng mga palaisipan mo, sabay malulunod ka na naman sa kalungkutan Sa pilit mong gusto makalimot ay lalo mo siya naalala. 

Kaya lahat ngayon ng simpleng bagay at simpleng lugar ay puno ng kahulugan at sakit at paulit ulit mong iisipin kung ano bang nangyari. At ang pinakasamakit kapag iniwan ka ng minahal mo ng husto, ay hindi ka na magmamahal ng tulad ng dati. Hindi mo na kayang magmahal ng buo ang puso mo at kahit tamang tao na ang dumating, mababa na lang sa kalahati ang maiaalay mo.

Day 343: Feelings, Pain, Person

Same feelings, Same pain, Different person

One of the main reason this generation is cynical of love is that, there is that trend where whoever they love just ends up leaving them shattered to pieces. Funny how coincidentally that different people can hurt you in the same ways. That instead of having your salvation from this person, they end up opening old wounds. Can you imagine how painful it is for someone who tried to build and pick themselves up and then the moment they tried to love again, another heartbreak occur in the same manner. It is as if the people around you talked how they will hurt you over and over again. Because sometimes, it's not just one person who wears down love on you, sometimes it's multiple people who you misunderstood as someone true. How can you heal if every person you love ends up opening the wounds you tried to heal? 

Same feelings, Different pain, Same person

 

Funny how a single person can hurt you in multiple ways. It's as if that is their thesis "Hurting you in multiple ways, a qualitative study presented to the faculty of broken hearts" I mean how many times will you let a person walk over you? And the catch here is the your feelings does not change towards that person. You still fall in love with him/her everytime despite giving you different types of pain everyday. They may cheat on you, ignore you, humiliate you or simply avoid you and those have varying amounts of pain depending on how you take them But in all the pain that they give you, you remain faithful to them as you are too deeply in love. All the love you give to this person never changes as they hurt you in different ways. Martyrdom sounds poetic but in reality, it's dumb.

Same feelings, Same pain, Same person

Sometimes the routine does not change and neither you two. You just accept the system where the two of you will never change and will keep hurting one another despite the love you have to offer. One may keep on cheating and one may remain faithful, one may always leave but one will always chase, one may get tired as one fights back, no matter the situation that arise. The cycle goes on until one of you gets sick enough to walk out properly, but until then, suck it up.

Day 342: Her vices and virtues

The problem is that guys overestimate her

they fall in love with her

during the best days of her life

in times where she feels sky high

moments when she could slay

times where her outfit is perfect

and her head is high and straight

they love her strong facade

but fears when she becomes a drag

they can't accept that she laughs so hard

that through her mouth, you see her innards

that when she wakes up, her hair is a mess

and she is frightening, in times of stress

she may get sloppy in eating

and find her at times randomly laughing

she can be weird, unreasonable and annoying

and she will give you all the reasons to leave

and she cannot offer something to give

and most guys hate that

so they decide to leave in a snap

She is the perfect equilibrium in the right person

love her for no reason and let that be a reason

she is best beautiful in time when she is simple

in times that she has broken walls

when she doesn't feel the need to impress

when she is not in her best dress

because that is when I found her most beautiful

especially in times she lost her cool

her fragile state is what I loved

and it made me stayed

in times that others would have been scared

is the moment where I fell in love with her

Day 341: Aira

Vermillion lips and sweet summer laugh. The breeze when she first came in the room was warm and funny enough it was sunny. Her smile was something but the moment she mentioned my name was an echo in my mind up to this moment I am writing this prose. She took the smile out of me and the sight of her caused my lips to curve in an upward manner. My heart was pounding and my hands are shaking. I do not believe in love at first sight but that ideal was betrayed by the cold sweat of the moment. Though love is a familiar language, I am a foreigner to this feeling. Since that day when she let me hold her phone. I couldn't get my mind off her.

I asked for signs in the heavens if she is the one that is worthy of pursuit. Because despite being a romantic, I have grown cynical of love. And heavens gave every sign that I asked before them. I have seen children in orange shorts eat ice cream, a men's basketball team reach the finals after 32 years, friends slip and fall before me,  got in the top 5 on an examination, and many more absurd things that have happened despite all odds. One may get the courage before that but despite everything, my tongue is tied and my guts were tight. The signs were before me but the will and the power is not present.

So I tried to find someone new, someone who will fill my woes. I tried to fill her in my poems, but I guess heart is an organ who keeps secrets but does not lie. It was disastrous as the signs for this other one did not match even those the simplest ones. It was never meant to be, as someone loved her before me.

Now I lay with my paper and ink, as it shouts and throbs another's name. The signs have match but my guts have not. Still waiting for the time to come. If the signs aligned there is more to wait, I guess if heavens will, patience must not grow thin. For the fear of rush is within, that this is someone I will keep.

But now I wait for the perfect moment, as I watch her enjoy her life with other people. Life goes on with us or not being together but what matters most is that I these signs will never waver.

Day 340: Pahinga

Magpahinga ka muna, wag mo muna kalabanin ang agos ng mundo. Hayaan mo muna siyang kumilos ng wala ikaw. Namnamin mo muna lahat ng takipsilim at bilangin mo ang lahat ng bituin sa langit. Magpasakop ka muna sa liwanag na masyado mong binalewala dahil sa dilim ng mundo ay nalunod ka na. Hinay hinay ka muna, hindi lahat ng pangarap mo ay matutupad mo sa ngayon. Lahat sila ay kailangan ng oras at para umusad ka ay pahinga ka muna. Hindi mauubos ang oras mo kaya pahinga ka lang alam kong pagod ka na.

Tingnan mo na lang muna ang mga bagay sa paligid mo. Baka nakalimutan mo na ang ganda ng mundo dahil sa sobrang tutok mo sa pag aaral o trabaho. Kalma lang, baka nabalewala mo na mga kaibigan mo at mga taong nagmamahal sayo sa gigil mong umusad. Hindi karera ang buhay, lahat tayo uunlad. Kaya magpahinga ka muna, tama na ang paghahabol.

Alam mo na patutunguhan nito di ba? Wag mo muna siyang habulin, hayaan mo muna siya sa buhay niya. Di ka ba napapagod sa paghahabol sa taong iba naman ang hinahabol? Hindi ikaw ang gusto niya kaya tanggapin mo na, tigilan mo na. Alam ko sinabi ko na magpahinga ka sa ilang bagay pero kapag wala na, wala naman masamang sukuan mo. 

Yan ang hirap sating mga tao eh, sobrang pagnanais natin ng tagumpay nauuwi tayo sa mga bagay na hindi naman talaga satin. Iba ang itinadhana sa ipinilit. Gusto pa natin na nakakakuha ng papuri ng iba kaya lahat ay ibinase na lang sa panlabas ng anyo. Kaya kapag sinabi mo na may nobyo o nobya ka, hindi nila itatanong kung paano niya napapasaya ang mga araw na gusto mo na sumuko, paano ka niya napapatawa, paano mo nakikita ang mga bituin sa kaniyang mga mata o kaya kung paano ka gumising isang araw na naisip mong mahal mo na siya. Bagkus, unang itatanong ay "gwapo/ maganda ba?" Na parang ang batayan na lang ng lahat ay kung anong nakakapag paligaya sa mga mata at hindi sa itinitibok ng puso.

Kaya sa mundong mapanghusga at hindi na tumigil sa pagsasalita ay tumigil ka muna dahil alam kong nakakapagod sila. Pahinga muna, tsaka na ang laban.

Day 339: Mark

Mark left leaving a mark that is harder to erase than a permanent marker. Marking the years that we were together we I can say that they were remarkable. X marks the spot as mark got my heart, though I will admit how I always get stressed at mark and it can't be stressed mark enough. Question Mark, if ever thought that things were real.  Because X marks the spot but now mark is an X mark.

Remarkable guy, that mark. Watching him in the benchmark, makes me think of multiple remarks. Though the way he speak is unique as it was his trademark,. Maybe there was something remarkable about him as my birthmark throbs around him. Everything was happy in every land Mark and I traveled but now all became a landmark of memories of which mark was as blurred as a watermark.

His ambiguity and  mysterious demeanor seemed intimidating, Mark is like a book as he was full of stories, the sad part is that he is a chapter in mine but I was a merely a sentence to his. He was bookmarked in mine as a chapter I never want to forget but to him I was a chapter like any other.

Maybe I miss mark at times because his kiss mark digged too deep or maybe I mismarked as I target the wrong person all along. I was not a marksman as I targeted the wrong person. But did I really missed the mark? when mark was the one who shot? I just wish before Mark marked my life, there was a marquee where it says that all of these are temporary, because in reality, seating on a benchmark and stretching the marks Mark left is all the things that makes it painful.

Day 338: Box out, Rebound.

Ansarap sa pakiramdam kapag dumating na yung taong hinihintay mo tapos malalaman mong may hinihintay din pala siya. Ang masaklap pa eh malalaman mo na hindi pa pala siya nakakamove on sa dati niyang minahal kaya ikaw hindi na napakali dahil alam mo na lahat ng ibibigay niya sayo ay kalahati o kaya mag kaunti.

Nakakagago lang siguro na may mga tao na dadating sa buhay mo habang nanahimik ka tapos kapag binalikan na sila ng taong mahal nila, iiwan ka na lang. Ikaw tong luhaan at duguan eh ikaw nong nanahimik lang naman. Kahit di mapakali ay minahal mo siya ng matindi. Sinikap mong gumawa ng buhay kasama siya at kalimutan ang anumang nakaraan niyong dalawa. Kahit may maliit na boses na kinukumbinsi ka kumawala ay di mo sinusunod dahil minahal mo na nga eh. Kaya ilang beses mong sasabihin sa sarili mo na masaya kayo at tama ang lahat ng nangyayari, ngunit ang reyalidad talaga ay mahilig manampal sa mukha.

Nakakainis lang yung ginawa kang rebound tapos wala ka namang magawa dahil nangyari na. Naging panakip butas ka sa isang relasyon na sila pa rin naman pala dalawa sa huli. Ilang beses pa siyang sweet at sasabihin na wala na nga ang nakaraan tapos paglingat mo nasa ex na nila sila. Nagpadala ka masyado sa matatamis na salita at pangako sabay makikita mo nasa bisig na siya ng iba. Nakakatawa na ikaw tong gusto lang magmahal eh naging reserba habang naghihilom ang tao na ito. Iisipin mo ba kung naging totoo ba yung relasyon niyo o nagmistulang doktor ka lamang na namagitan at ginamot ang puso niyang nagdurugo at pagkatapos eh kinalimutan ka na niya.

Masaklap pa lalo kapag hinanap na siya sayo ng mga kaibigan at pamilya mo. "uy kamusta na kayo ni ano?" sabay sagot mo na lang ng "ah wala na, nagkaayos na sila ng ex niya eh" Kaya dito nagsisimula yung siklo ng mga rebound at mga taong takot na magmahal. Nakakatawa na ang taong totoong nagmamahal ang nagiging rebound sa mga toxic na relasyon. 

Day 337: Sulat ng nanloko

Pasensya na ha, hindi naman sa maraming kang pagkukulang saydang hindi ako marunong makuntento. Wag mo sanang may mali sayo kahit ilang beses ko na ipinamukha sayo yun. Siguro dala lang ng galit at matinding pagkamuhi sa sarili kaya pilit kong isinisisi sayo lahat ng pagkukulang sa buhay ko. Pero ayos na ko ngayon at masaya na ko sa taong ipinalit ko sayo. Tapat din naman siya tulad mo sadyang mas gusto ko lang siya kumpara sayo. 

Ikaw? Kamusta ka na? balita ko di ka pa naghahanap ng bago at nag momove on pa rin ah. Well, kung tulad ko ba naman ang nawala sa buhay mo, kahit ako manghihinayang at malulugmok. Pero sana kapag may nagalay sayo uli ng pagmamahal tanggapin mo siya at sana mahalin ka niya sa paraang nararapat sayo, di tulad ng ginawa ko na basta kita ipinagpalit.

Bakit nga ba kita pinagpalit? Siguro nakulangan lang ako sa mga binibigay mo o kaya sadyang di naman kita gusto simula pa lang. Malungkot lang ata ako nung nakilala kita kaya ayun pinatulan kita. Pero kung masaya naman ako, baka hindi naman kita pinili. Siguro nasaktuhan mo lang yung kahinaan ko at napunan mo yung mga pagkukulang ko. Yung pakiramdam na napunan mo ko ay inisip nating pagmamahal kahit hindi naman. 

Sira lang ako na binuo mo kaya akala natin pagmamahalan yun. Kaya sa kabila ng lahat, salamat kahit ngayon ay sinira ka naman ng taong binuo mo. Pero paalam na rin at salamat sa lahat. Pero malay mo kapag di kami nag work out baka balikan kita at sana sa mga panahon na yun ay tanggapin mo pa rin ako.

Day 336: No one really knows you

The problem is that people thought they understand things which in fact they do not have the slightest clue what the thing or situation before them has. They will speak numerous things about it but in reality it never existed to them as a truth because the version they know of their story is theirs, the absolute truth is in someone's mind and the people only "knows" the situation but does not fully understand it. They can go on and on but in reality, the truth is something fractured or even shattered as every pieces of it is scattered in every mind that has knowledge about it.

There was this great book where it tells that no one really knows you, the people who knows you has different versions of you in their reality but in the end, who you are is who you are. No person, no matter how you love or hate them really knows who you are and I totally agree with it. That is why people act as if they knew you because people fear what they don't understand and the confusion or lost in translation actually terrify people. No matter who you are, you are not really "someone" at all, you are just a pigment of imagination to everyone, like everyone else.

So when people start acting like they know you or know your feelings, avoid them. The best that they can do is memorize you, what are your favorite things, hobbies and etc. but in the end, the change sin your body, the pain and what truly makes you happy is all on you. No one is really in charge of your happiness.  That is why stop saying the this person completes you because despite the love you give and reciprocate, the best thing they can do is memorize you and frankly, people memorize things bad.

So, in the end learn to be in charge of your own happiness and stop seeking validation from anyone else. You out of all people know yourself and stop saying that someone will save you because the best that they can do is provide temporary comfort. Once you are alone and isolated, the only person that can truly help you is you.

Day 335: Para sa taong pinili niya

Maswerte ka, ikaw ang pinili niya. Masakit man o may pait sa parte ko pero tatanggapin ko na ikaw nga ang pinili niya. Hindi malinaw sakin kung ikaw ba ang unang niyang nakilala o ang unang dumating basta ang malinaw ikaw ang pinili niya. Sa kabila ng lahat ng ginawa ko ikaw ang gusto niya at binabati kita. Ano nga naman ang laban ko sayo? Buong pagkatao ko ay katumbas lamang ng kalahati mo. Masakit man sakin ito pero binabati kita.

Ayaw ko manumbat ngunit paano kaya humantong sa ganito. Ako naman yung laging nandyan para sa kaniya kahit anong mangyari. Dumarating ka lamang para ayusin ang mga bagay na nasimulan ko. Para kang amerikano noong panahon ng kastila at hapon at ako ay isang hamak na pilipino. Kami yung lumaban hanggang huli at sa pagkakataon na mananalo na kami ay papasok ka sa eksena at aagawin lahat ng napagtagumpayan namin. Ang masaklap pa ay ako yung pinasalamatan pero ikaw yung minahal.

Mas marami akong bagay na iniaalay ngunit di ko maintindihan na mas tumatatak ang bawat ginagawa mo sa kaniya. Siguro sadyang higit ka sakin sa lahat ng bagay sa akin mas maitsura ka pa nga eh. Kahit alam ko na wala akong laban sayo ay sumugal ako kaya wala kang kasalanan at dapat ihingi ng tawad dahil ginusto ko to.

Nakakainis lang siguro isipin na lahat na ng meron ako ay ibinigay ko sa kaniya, ikaw na nagbigay lamang ng parte ng meron ka ay siya pang tinanggap niya. Para bang parehas lang tayo nagbigay ng rosas. Nagbigay ako ng tatlo at ikaw isang dosena, ang hindi lang naman niya alam dun ay ayung tatlong rosas na yun lang ang meron ako pero ikaw may isang hardin.

Paalala lang sana na mahalin mo siya ng buo kahit na pinili ka niya habang nagbibigay lamang ng parte ng meron ka. Naubos ako sa pagmamahal sa kaniya habang ikaw ay maaari pang maglaan pa sa iba. Makikiusap na lang ako na ibigay mo sa kaniya ang pagmamahal na sana ay iaalay ko kung ako ang pinili niya. Pag nagbigay ka ay ibigay mo ng buo wag lang parte ng meron ka. Siya ang mundo ko at parte lamang ng iyo. Maging tapat ka sana at wag mo siyang sasaktan. Hindi makakasigurado na hindi na siya magkakaproblema pero siguraduhin mong di na niya yung haharapin mag isa.

Punuin mo ang mga araw niya ng galak at ngiti at wag kang gumawa ng mga bagay na alam mong ikagagalit niya. Maswerte ka at sana panindigan mo yun, panindigan mo siya...

Sa huli ay muling binabati kita dahil ikaw ang mahal at pinili niya. Huling hiling ko na lang  sayo ay wag mo iparamdam sa kaniya ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon.

Day 334: Para sa nangiwan na nagtatangka bumalik

Kung umalis ka ay sana wag ka na babalik. Wag mo na iparamdam na mahal mo pa ko at babalik ka kapag maayos na buhay ko. Sana wala na tayong komunikasyon at sana dumating ang araw na kapag narinig ko ang pangalan  mo ay hindi ko maramdaman ang bawat durog ng puso ko at hindi babalik ang mga alaala natin na parang isang pelikula na ang katapusan ay hindi maganda. Na kapag nasilayan kita sa gilid ng mata ko sa dati nating kinakainan ay mapigilan ko ang sarili ko lumapit at batiin ka. Sana kapag nakita kitang muli ay ngumiti ka na lang at lumayo at magpanggap na hindi tayo nag kita. 

Sana dumating ang araw na hindi na kailangan magkunwari na ayos lang ako dahil totoo nang ayos na naman ako. Sana wala nang pagpapanggap at panloloko sa sarili ko na hindi na kita mahal dahil alam ko habang isinusulat ko to ay ayun pa rin ang isinisigaw ng puso ko. Gusto kong isulat ang salitang "Kalimutan mo siya!" ngunit pangalan mo ang itinitibok ng aking tinta. Darating ang araw na uusad ako at makikita kita muli ngunit wag muna sa ngayon dahil sariwa pa ang sakit.

Pag bangon ko muli at nagkaron ng lakas ng loob magmahal ng iba ay wag kang babalik utang na loob. Ilang beses ko sasabihin sayo yan at di ako magsasawa, dahil kilala kita. Ginawa mo na yun di ba. Sana kapag nakita mo kong magmahal muli ay wag mo siyang tatawaging rebound. Totoo naman kasi pero wag mo na ipamukha. Hayaan mo ko umusad sa buhay ko dahil kahit ngayon ay mahal pa rin kita pero ayako nang maging bihag ng damdamin ko.

Wag kang babalik sa ngayon at magpapakita sakin at sasabihin na mahal mo pa rin ako dahil alam ko na tatanggapin pa rin kita. Kasi sa ngayon, habang naghihilom ako, isang paramdam mo lang alam kong mahuhulog na naman ako. Alam mo at alam ko na tatanggapin kita paulit ulit kahit anong ginawa mo kaya pakiusap ikaw na ang lumayo.

Day 333 (2): How did ethics change you?

Mataas ang araw, maliwanag ang paligid

Mainit ang hangin, ng sa mata ko ika’y nangilid

Lumapit ako at hindi nag atubili

at mula noon ako sayo'y nawili

Bago kita nakilala ay may iba akong pananaw sa mundo

Parang lahat ng bagay ay hindi ko pinakialamanan o kinibo

Ngunit ang mga matang binuksan mo

Ay mahirap na palang isarado

Noon akala ko masama ang pagiging makasarili

Pero tama nga naman ang iyong punto, na paano ka mamamahagi

Kung wala ka mismong para sa sarili

Ngunit bakit kada inuuna kita ako ay nahuhuli?

Habang mas pilit kitang inuunawa ay higit akong naguguluhan

Dahil lahat ng sinasabi mo, ginagawa mo ay kabaligtaran

Lahat na lang binigyan mo ng kahulugan

Kahit yung mga bagay na walang katuturan

May mga araw na hindi kita maintindihan

Kasi may araw na sobrang babaw mo, minsan sobrang gulo

Minsan para kang tanga na walang pakialam

Minsan parang gago na lahat pinakialamanan

Kaya naman lahat na ay pinag awayan

mga walang katuturan ang pinagtatalunan

ansakit mo sa.ulo pero di kita maiwan

dahil.alam ko ikaw ay aking kailangan

Kapag nangatwiran ka pa minsan ay taliwas na sa totoo

Ginugulo mo lang isip ko at minsan sinasagad mo ang pasensya ko

Dahil minsan kahit kakain na lang

Binibigyan mo masyado ng kahulugan

Lahat simpleng bagay lagi mong pinapakumplikado

May masabi lang na mali, andami mo agad sinasabi

Kaya ako ay nahawa narin sayo

Na mga simpleng bagay, pinapalaki ko

nga payak na usapan na nauuwi sa pagtatalo

kaya naiinis.na.kahit nga kaibigan ko

Nakakapaghinayang kang pakawalan

Pero nakakapagod kang panghawakan

Magulo ka lamang sa isip yan ang totoo

Pero ikaw yung gulo na alam kong gusto ko

Nakakainis na may punto ka at laging may katwiran

Pero alam kong kailangan kita, kaya di kita maiwan

Ngunit habang ako’y kumakapit aking napagtanto

Na darating din ang araw na iiwanan mo ko

Dahil sayo na mismo nga nanggaling

Na walang permanente sa mundo

Sana pala di ka na dumating

Dahil hindi ako handa sa paglisan mo

At sinikap ko na sa panahon na tayo’y magkasama

Na lahat ay maayos at sana’y masagana

Ngunit habang iniisip ko na lulutasin natin ang mga problemang to

Bigla kong naalala

Isang sem lang pala tayo

Inasahan kitang magbigay ng kasagutan

Ngunit alam kong isang araw ika’y lilisan

Ay sa iyong paglisan

Nagiwan ka lamang ng mas maraming katanungan

Kaya eto ako ngayon nasa sulok ng bangko

Iniisip ang mga bagay na iminulat mo

Kung paano naging mabuti ang pagiging makasarili

At paano naging tama ang mga akala kong mali

Hindi makatulog sa gabi dahil iniisip kita

bawat tanong na iniwan mo na nakakatanga

Maging ang umaga nagiging gabi

dahil sayo, lahat na ng bagay sa isip ko ay sumasagi

Nakakatawang ikaw tong maraming dahilan

Ay ang nawala ng walang paliwanag

Pinakilala mo nga sa akin ang liwanag

Ngunit sa huli iniwan din ako sa kadiliman

Pero kahit masakit ang iyong paglisan

Marami akong natutunan

Sa pag pursigi ng mga bagong kaalaman

Nilunod ang sarili, mawala ka lang sa isipan

Sinubukan ko na sa iba bumaling ng tingin

Pero wala talaga iba ang dating mo

Dahil kung nandito ka, alam mo ang gagawin

Tunay nga na binago mo ako

Sa pagharap ko ngayon sa bagong umaga

Pipilitin kong bumangon kahit di ikaw ang kasama

Pero hindi ko maitatanggi

Na iba ang pakiramdam pag ikaw ay nasaking tabi

Kahit naghihilom ako unti unti

Minsan sa isip ko pa rin ay sumasagi

Ang mga tanong bakit ka lumisan

Ang tanong na bakit lahat biglaan

Ikaw na dumating na nagalok ng mga kasagutan

Ay nagiwan lamang ng mga katanungan

Kung isang bagay ang nakuha ko sayo

Ay lahat ay agad kwestiyunin ko ng husto.