Tuesday, November 22, 2022

Lamay

  Maagang nagising si Benjamin kasabay ng agarang paligo at pagbibihis. Kasama ang kaniyang kapatid na si Leslie ay mabilis silang umalis ng bahay ng umagang iyon dahil ang nanay nila ay nakakita ng ligpitin ng magkakapatid na pinagkainan noong madaling araw. Agarang tumakbo ang dalawa palabas ng bahay upang mapunta ang trabaho sa bunso nilang kapatid.

Papunta sila sa lamay ng tatay ng kaibigan nilang si Mario. Kamamatay lamang nito tatlong araw ang lumipas , hindi nila alam bakit ito namatay pero nais nilang makiramay sa kaibigan at nagkataon na tinapat nila sa araw na ito. Dumaan muna sila sa tindahan at bumili ng isang dosenang zesto para ibigay sa pamilya ng namayapa. Habang namimili ay napadaan ang isa pa nilang kapitbahay at kaklase ni Leslie na si AJ. Ang malaking ngiti nito ay sinalubong ng simangot ni Leslie na kala mo ay nakakita at nakaamoy ng patay na daga. 

"Gara ng suot ah san ang burol?" tanong ni AJ habang tinutusok ang isang zesto na kinuha nya sa plastic bag ng magkapatid.

"Kina Mario ay kamamatay lang ng tatay niya nung huling huwebes" tugon ni Benjamin

"Ay gago, kelan pa?"

"Nung Huwebes nga kasasabi lang"

"Sabay na ko sa inyo! nakakahiya naman kung di ako magpakita"

"Mas nakakahiya kung GANYAN ka magpapakita" sabi ni Leslie habang habang iniismid mula ulo hanggang paa si AJ.

Mabilis na tumakbo si AJ pauwi habang nakikiusap sa magkapatid na hintayin siya. Binigyan ng inis na tingin ni Leslie ang kanyang kuya habang nakain ng toasted mamon. May dumaan na kapre sa may tindahan na may hatak hatak na oxygen tank at tumango sa magkapatid. Bumili ito ng dalawang kaha ng marlboro tapos umalis din agad at naghahanap ng lighter dahil yung sa tindahan ay naiuwi ng isang lasing kahapon.

Isang duwende rin ang bumalik sa tindahan at nagbalik ng isang bote ng pop cola. Nakipagtalo ito sa may ari ng tindahan dahil pinangakuan siya ng deposito  ng anak ng may ari nung kinagabihan pero sagot ng may ari ay wala naman nakalista kaya paano mangyayari na may deposito. Matagal ang kanilang pagtatalo na napunta na sa mahal na presyo ng bigas, bakit hindi nagkatuluyan ang AlDub at bakit natalo Ginebra kagabi. Sa huli, bumigay din ang duwende at umalis ng tindahan habang ipinapadyak ang paa sa yamot.

Halos isang oras din bago nag pakita si AJ uli sa magkapatid. Ngiting ngiti ito at nakasuot ng puting polo at itim na pantalon na masking tape pa nakalagay "250." tumayos na si Benjamin at inaya ang dalawa na lumakad na para di na sila tanghaliin. Habang nasa kanto ng kanilang subdivision nagtanong si AJ kung nasaan ang bunsong kapatid ni Leslie at Benjamin. Hindi nagsalita ang dalawa at tila nagkaron ng interes sa hugis ng mga ulap.

"Nasan yung bunso?" tanong ni AJ

"Tingnan mo yung ulap, hugis bibe" Sabi ni Benjamin habang mahina pang pumapalakpak.

Pagtigil ng isang jeep sa harapan nila ay laking galak ng magkapatid na maluwag ito. Ngunit pag upo ni Benjamin ay agarang kumandong si AJ sa kanya. Nakabibinging katahimikan ang namagitan sa dalawang binata habang si Leslie ay halos magkulay ube sa pag pigil ng tawa.

"Komportable ka ba sa pag upo mo pre?" tanong ni Benjamin habang nanlilisik ang mata sa kaibigan.

"Ayos lang naman" sagot ni AJ na tila may pagka inosente sa kaniyang tono.

"Marahil gusto mong lumipat aking kaibigan? malawak ang jeep."

"Hmmm... hinde okay lang ako" ngumiti si AJ at nag kibit balikat lamang

Tinulak ni Benjamin si Aj. Bumagsak ito at nagalit ang driver sa kanilang dalawa. Umupo si Benjamin ng maayos ngunit kumandong lang uli si AJ sa kaniya.

"Brad ano bang problema mo"

"Sapat lang kasi pera ko sa abuloy"

"Edi wag ka na mag abuloy kung ganun"

"Hala nakakahiya naman"

"Sakin hindi ka nahihiya?"

Makalipas ang ilang minuto na pagtatalo ay nabwisit na si Leslie at nagbayad na para kay AJ. Dahan dahan naman bumaba ang binata sa kandungan nni Benjamin kung saan siya ay tiningnan ng masama hanggang makarating sila sa paroroonan.

Binurol ang tatay ni Mario sa isang chapel. May malaking gate na binabantayan ng gwardiya tapos sa likod ng chapel naman ay sementeryo. tatlong chapel ang nakahanay. Pamilyar ang huling chapel sa mahkapatid at napuna rin ni AJ na hindi yun nais tingnan ng magkapatid. Kaya itinuon nila atensyon nila sa dalawang chapel.

Ang unang chapel ay walang aircon at kulay puti ang dingding. Salamin ang pintuan nito, yung sliding door na makikita mo sa bahay ng mayayaman na madali mabasag tapos magtataka sila mabilis sila malooban. Kulay green ang bubong nito  at may gold lining sa alulod na puno ng dahon. Kataka takang wala itong PWD ramp kaya pag may bisitang naka wheelchair siguro kaniya kanyang kamot sino bubuhat. 

Sa pangalawang chapel nakaburol tatay ni Mario dahil natanaw na nila ang payat na pigura nito ang kulay pulang sumbrero na laging suot umulan man o umaraw. Mas simple ang pangalawang chapel kumpara sa nauna dahil bukas na bukas ang mga pintuan at bintana nito. Sa labas ay limang mesa ang nakaayos at bawat isa ay may nagiinom, nagyoyosi, at nagsusugal. Palapit na ang tatlo kay Mario nang hinablot sila ni Leslie sa manggas at gigil na sinabi sa dalawa na: "Umayos kayong dalawa ha?"

Ngumiti lang yung dalawa at tumango. Naglakad ang dalawa patungo kay Mario na halatang wala pang tulog sa lalim ng eyebags nito. Mas maputla ang balat nito at tila kumakapit na lamang ang kaniyang balat sa buto. Lugmok ang mukha nito na nakatitig sa sahig ngunit sa pagtanaw niya kay Benjamin at AJ ay nagliwanag ang mukha nito.

"Kamusta na? Mabuti umabot kayo" sabi ni Mario sa kaniyang mga kaibigan.

"Kailangan namin umabot, yung tatay mo hindi eh" sagot ni Benjamin

Tumawa lamang si Mario at pinapasok sila sa loob. Tanging ang mga malamlam na ilaw mula sa tabi ng kabaong ang nagiilaw sa loob at ilang bumbilya na tila papundi na ang nag iilaw sa loob ng kwarto. May ilaw na pumapasok sa bintana ngunit natatakpan ito ng mga water dispenser at cabinet na may inumin at biskwit na galing sa lata. Pinalapit sila Benjamin sa may kabaon pero ang nakatingin lamang ay si AJ. Si Leslie at Benjamin ay nakatingala sa mga kandila at kurtina at tila nais nang makaalis sa harapan ng ataul.

Bumalik ang tatlo sa isang upuan malapit sa may pintuan palabas kung saan inalok sila ng girlfriend ni Mario na si Joy ng isang mangkok ng sopas. Kinamusta muna nila si Joy habang tinatanggihan ang sopas. Nagtataka si Joy bakit ayaw ni Benjamin ng sopas at nung tinanong niya ito sagot ni Benjamin ay "Di ako nakain sa patay, unsanitary eh tingnan mo may bangkay." Tinitigan lamang si Benjamin ni Joy tapos umalis ito sa harapan nila. Nakatingin si Leslie at AJ kay Benjamin na parang tinubuan ito ng pangatlong ulo. 

Patuloy na lamang humigop ng sopas si Leslie at AJ. Mga ilang oras na payapa sa loob ng chapel hanggang may malakas na sigaw.

"DIYOS KO PANGINOON YAHWEH HUDAS KALYOTE SINO NAGPAPASOK DIYAN?!"

Isang matandang babae na may puting buhok at itim na balabal ang nasa may pintuan ng chapel ang nakaturo kay Leslie dahil naka pula ito. Sa di nakakaalam masama raw mag pula sa patay dahil pinapakita mo raw na masaya ka pa na namatay yung pinaglalamayan niyo. Kaya dapat malamlam na kulay lang suot mo tulad ng itim or grey. "Nawala sa isip ko na nakapula ka" wika ni Benjamin sa kaniyang kapatid habang inihaharang ang sarili sa tingin ng matanda sa kaniyang kapatid. 

Inirapan lamang ng matanda si Leslie habang pinapanood niya lumabas ang dalaga. Sumunod agad si Benjamin sa kaniyang kapatid pero inawat siya ni Leslie. "Uuwi na ko bahala na, pero dito ka muna mas kailangan ka ng kaibigan mo kaysa sakin. Wag mo ko alalahanin for sure naman sa susunod na lamay yang matanda na yan na, mangunguna pa ko sa pila." Inabutan lamang ng bente ni Benjamin ang kapatid at bumalik na ito sa loob ng chapel.

Humingi ng dispensa si Benjamin kay Mario pero tumawa lamang ito. Makaluma raw talaga lola na. "Kita ko naman" sagot ni Benjamin. 

Naglakad patungo sa kabaong ang matanda at umiyak ito ng sobrang hapis na bawat sigaw at galit niya ay umuugong sa apat na sulok ng chapel. Tahimik ang lahat at pilit kinakalma ang matanda. Sinisigaw nito lahat ng kaniyang sama ng loob. "Hindi dapat mauna ang anak sa magulang!" Sigaw nito paulit ulit habak pilit pinipiglas ang kitang nanghihinang katawan na inaalalayan lamang ng mga tiyuhin ni Mario. 

Maluluha na sana si Benjamin kung hindi sana sa isang pinsan ni Mario na hinahabol ang luha ng matanda ng isang neon green na tabo. Iniiwasan nilang tumulo ang luha nito sa kabaong dahil hindi raw matatahiik ang namatay. Halos dumugo na ang labi ni Benjamin sa pagkagat ng kaniyang labi sa pagpigil ng kaniyang tawa.

Makalipas ang ilang minuto ay kumalma na ang matanda at bumalik ang nakakabingin katahimikan sa loob ng chapel. May isa isang pumupunta na tao sa chapel pero hindi sila nagtatagal masyado. Tumulong na si Benjamin sa pag bibigay ng juice dahil kitang hindi pa makapaniwala ang pamilya ni Mario sa mga nangyayari. Habang nag aabot ng juice si Mario at Benjamin sa isang nag totongits sa labas ay ay malakas na kalabog sa loob ng chapel. Sinampal ng nanay ni Mario ang isang tiyahin dahil nagpasalamat ito sa sopas na inalok ng girlfriend ni Mario.

"Bakit ka nag thank you!" sigaw ng nanay ni Mario sa tiyahin habang hawak hawak siya ng dalawang lalaki.

"Anong ginawa kong masama?!" sagot ng tiyahin

"Wag ka kasi mag pasalamat! Parang di ka pinalaki ng ayos eh!" 

"Ha?!"

Tumagal ang away ng dalawa ng ilang segundo pa hanggang sa umawat na si Mario sa gitna. Pinagalitan niya ang kaniyang tiyahin at nanay at sabay tumahimik silang dalawa. Kakamot kamot sa ulo, lumapit si Mario kay Benjamin at humingi ng tawad. Tatawa tawa lamang itong sumagot sa kaniyang kaibigan.

"Pasensya ka na medyo eskandalosa pamilya ko"

"Ayos nga yun medyo exciting" sabi ni Benjamin habang silang dalawa ni AJ ay pigil na pisgil ang tawa.

Pinaghiwa hiwalay ni Mario ang kaniyang pamilya sa kaniya kaniyang upuan. Tanging ang nanay niya ang nakaupo sa isang upuan sa harap ng kabaong na iiba ang kulay sa lahat ng upuan sa loob ng chapel. habang palapit na ang gabi ay unti unti nang nagdadagsaan ang tao na nakatrabaho ng tatay ni Mario noon. Halos dalawang oras puno ang chapel at maraming nagsusugal at nagdadasal sa isang paligid. 

Kumalma na ang kapaligiran at nagpaalam na muna si AJ sa gitna ng mga ginagawa dahil nagtext "daw: ang nanay niya hinahanap na siya.

"Ayaw mo lang tumulong na eh" sabi ni Benjamin

"De gagi magagalit nga mama ko"

"Osiya umalis ka na wag mo kalimutan magpagpag. Baka sundan ka ng tatay ni Mario pauwi"

"Ano naman mapapala niya sakin?"

Kinuha ni Benjamin ang isang wafer sa bulsa ni AJ at ibinalik ito sa bilao ng mga biscuit.

"Umalis ka na nga lintek ka" sabi ni Benjamin habang nag hahain ng juice at biscuit sa mga bisita.

Makalipas ang dagsa ng tao ay umupo si Benjamin habang pinapahinga ang kaniyang likod. Naisip niya na may trabaho pala siya kinabukasan at kailangan na mamaalam. Lumapit siya kay Mario at nagpaalam. "Di na ko magpapasalamat baka masapak pa ko rito." Tumango lamang si Mario at sumandal sa balikat ng kaibigan. 

"Ang hirap pala"

"Oo, alam ko"

"Pano mo to kinaya noon?"

"Hindi ko pa natatanggap hanggang ngayon. Mahirap pa rin."

Tumingin si Mario sa kaibigan niya muli habang nag pupunas ng luha.

"Hindi mo siya matatanggap ng buo o kahit kailan man. Mabubuhay ka lang na parang normal at bubuuin mo ang buhay mo sa katotohanan na wala na siya." Sabi ni Benjamin habang ngumingiwi at pinipigil ang kaniyang luha.

"Parang sobrang hirap kasi di ko kaya."

"Kaya mo at kakayanin mo pa kasi kakailanganin ka nila" sabay nguso ni Benjamin sa pamilya ni Mario na nakahanap na naman ng bagong pag aawayan.

Tumakbo na si Mario pabalik sa loob ng chapel inaawat ang kaniyang mga tiyahin sabay umalis na rin si Benjamin. Palabas ng chapel ay lumingon siya sa chapel na walang laman na pangatlo mula sa gate. Madilim pero kitang kita ang haligi nitong kulay puti at gintong kulay na bintana. Tila iniilawan ng loob chapel dahil bilog na bilog ang buwan ng gabing iyon. 

Lumapit ang isang kapreng supulturero kay Benjamin.

"Naliligaw ka ba iho?" Tanong ng matandang kapre

"Ah hindi ho, galing ako sa lamay ng tatay ng kaibigan ko"

"Bakit ka dito nakatingin kung ganun?"

"Dito kasi binurol tatay ko. Mga apat na taon lumipas"

"Ah condolence iho kahit huli na"

"Ayaw niya raw kasi tumanda, ayun pagkasabi niya nun mga isang linggo nawala na siya"

Ngumiti lamang ang supulturero at iniwan nag binata na nagpupunas ng kaniyang mata. Sumakay si Benjamin ng jeep tapos pumara sa malapit na 7/11 sa kanila. 

Saturday, October 29, 2022

Confession of a graduate

    I think my greatest mistake in the four years I stayed in the university is that I was so keen on graduating early and on time that I didn't really have a plan what to do once I got it.  I chased the finish line for so long that I forgot that it was another starting line toward another path in life that I feel so lost as of the moment. Knowing years ago that I dreamt to be in this position, I can't help but feel anxious that I'm not doing anything as of now.
    
    Some of my batchmates already got job offers with companies competing for them and I sit here writing and playing old gameboy games on my laptop. This week I finished Kirby's dreamland, Super Mario Land 1 and 2, Castlevania Rebirth, Megaman BattleNetwork. First feeling in mind was not relief or any sense of accomplishment. I felt like a loser. It didn't feel fulfilling finishing the games I long to finish then but couldn't because of my busy schedule, I felt like a loser for having time in to finish those games while some of my batchmates are in law school, med school, or working. Chasing the dreams we all pledged once that we would chase during our freshie days. I can't help but think that I fell short to that promise.

    The people around me are nice enough  to validate that I am not losing as of the moment and I am doing just fine and it has only been two months since I graduated. But I can't shake the feeling of despair that I am not doing what I was supposed to do. I established my worth in every tasks and exercises I finish that their absence left me emptier than the stress they cause me. I felt like despite the despair I felt back then, in a way they gave me a sense of worth, direction as per say whereas I know that despite the hardships, I am going somewhere. I tied myself to the construct of finishing and obeying orders that freedom felt foreign to me.

    It really is very odd to feel lost after gaining something that I chased for so long. I guess this is what it feels when you loved the journey so much, the destination felt pale in comparison. The next journey to come feels weird and disoriented. I never really knew what to do with myself as of the moment. It's sad to achieve so much during my study years only to contemplate if I was a fraud all along or was bullshitting my way through my academic years.

    To be honest, this has no resolution as of now. I am still waiting for something that has been long overdue. I hope to brush off this feeling someday. But for now, I'll wallow in my self pity.

Monday, September 5, 2022

Onward and forever

The way her hair falls on her shoulder
Or how her smile in my mind lingers
I love it when she speaks my name
And when our dirty thoughts are the same
How she jumps a bit on the sight of me
And how I hug her ever so tightly
I love when her voice cracks of laughter
Never wanting to see her sad ever

I care little for the grandiose of life
Simply I enjoy her looking back me
How I wish we had earlier time
So I had more moment with her even momentarily
The past I admit still had me faze
Of which I wish to erase
Day will come it will be no bother
As we move forward onward and forever

Kababaihan, sa lente ng pelikulang pilipino

Para sa isang kultura na tinitingnan ang nanay bilang “ilaw ng tahanan” bakit tila hirap na hirap tayo tingnan ang kababaihan bilang isang buong indibidwal na kayang hubugin ang kanyang sarili na hindi kailangan ng lalaki? Bakit natin hinihiya ang mga single mother na kumakayod habang nag aalaga ng anak at pinapalakpakan ang lalaki na nawala na lang pero nagbibigay ng kakarampot na sustento? Sa salita nga ni Vilma Santos-Recto sa kanyang pelikula na Anak (2000) “Bakit ganon? Ang lalaki kapag binigyan niya ang pamilya niya ng pagkain, damit... agad sasabihin ng mga tao, 'Aba, mahusay siyang ama!' Pero kapag babae ka, kahit ibinigay mo na ang lahat ng yon sa mga anak mo, kasama pa pati puso mo, pati kaluluwa mo, parang hindi pa rin sapat na tawagin kang mabuting ina." Saan ba nagmumula ang pangmamaliit natin sa ating kababaihan?

Kung tutuusin at babalik tayo sa sinaunang panahon ng ating mga ninuno, ang babae ay pantay o kaya minsan ay higit pa sa kalalakihan. Ang isang babae, kahit ang pangkaraniwang mamamayan ay may karapatang hiwalayan, mag may ari ng lupain at maging pinuno pa ng barangay o teritoryo. Ganito tayo hinubog at nilamon ng kolonyalismo na hanggang ngayon daang taon na ang lumipas ay namumuhay pa rin tayo sa ideyolohiya ng mga kanluranin na sumakop satin.

Madalas nakakahon nag kababaihan sa ating mga pelikulang pilipino na madalas ang karakter nila kung hindi mahihin ay mabilis mataranta o kaya sobrang malamya na kailangan lagi ng kasama. Madalang ang babae na bida na matapang at may paninindigan, tapos sa huli tumitiklop din sila at ililigtas ng lalaking karakter. Sa mga bida ng mga aksyon movies, laging lalaki na astig at barumbado ang bida. Hindi siya maalam makipag usap ng ayos sa tao at kanilang lenggwahe lamang ay baril at kamao. Pero sa kadahilanang hindi natin alam, nahuhulog ang babae sa kanila sa huli ng pelikula. Sa iba, ayos lang naman to di ba? Kaso may mga lumang pelikula na sinampal, binantaan, siniraan ng gamit, at kung ano ano pang karahasan ang ginawa sa kababaihan pero nahulog pa rin sila sa lalaking bida. Sa pagtutulak ng naratibo na mamahalin ka ng babae kahit anong gawin mong masama sa kaniya, ay nagpapasok tayo sa kamalayan ng karamihan na “ah ayos lang pala yung ganito” tipong sinaktan na siya ng lalaking bida pero niligtas siya at humingi ng tawad (na dapat lang naman talaga) ay nahulog siya. Madalas ito makita sa mga aksyon films noon na pinagbibidahan nila Robin Padilla, Lito lapid, at kahit si Fernando Poe Jr.

Bihira rin bigyan ng sariling desisyon ang kababaihan sa pelikulang Pilipino. Sila ay madalas pinapatay, ginagahasa, o nakakatikim ng kahit anong antas ng karahasan upang maging motibasyon ng lalaki sa pagtulak ng kwento. Lumalabas na sila ay premyo lamang na walang kamalayan at sariling desisyon. Nandoon sila para magkaroon ng ipaglalaban ang lalaki, wala ng ibang dahilan. Kung ikaw ay unang asawa sa isang aksyon film, malamang patay ka na bago magsimula ang kwento, ni hindi ka nga papangalanan ikaw lang ang “nasirang asawa.”

Bihira mag palabas ang mga pelikulang Pilipino ng maasahan at magiting na babae sa takilya at kapag ipinakita nila ito, madalas ito’y minamasama o kaya ipinapakita sa liwanag na hindi dapat tularan. Isa sa mga sikat na pelikula sa nakaraang dekada ay ang Four Sisters and a Wedding. Nakakatawa siya at ibang parte ng pelikula ay sumikat sa social media pero mahalaga makita natin ang ginampanan ng apat na kapatid lalo na ni Bobbie na ginampanan ni Bea Alonzo. Kinrompronta si Bobbie na siya ang kinaiinggitan ni Teddie, dito naglabas ng saloobin si Bobbie na sa dami ng tiniis niya sa nakaraang taon ay pinili niyang manatili dahil mahal niya ang kanyang pamilya. Lahat ng sakripisyo niya ay balewala dahil “yumabang” siya. Sa lahat ng ginawa niya, siya pa ang masama dahil sa isang punto ay napuno na siya. Kung lalaki ang nasa katauhan ni Bobbie malamang siya ay ipagdidiwang bilang mapagbigay na indibidwal, at magandang ehemplo sa kanyang mga kapatid, pero hindi ganun, hindi ganun sa pilipinas.

Labas naman sa aksyon movies, ang mga romance ng Pilipinas ay malaki rin ang problema kung paano ipakita ang relasyon ng lalaki at babae at kung paano laging nagkokompromiso ang babae. Madalas umikot ang pelikula sa pagiging martir ng kababaihan kaya madalas natutulak ang ganitong naratibo ang mga pelikulang A Very Special Love (2008), Talk Back and you’re Dead (2014), and at kahit ang pinakamamahal ng karamihan na One More Chance (2007) at sequel A Second Chance (2015) ay nahuhulog sa ganitong ideolohiya.

Mahalaga na matingnan natin ang mga pelikula na inilalabas natin taon taon dahil napatunayan na sa pag aaral na malaki epekto ng media sa pag iisip at pagtanaw sa tunay na buhay. Hindi naman lahat pelikula ay masama. May mga pelikula na kinakalaban ang ganitong pag iisip tulad ng: Kisapmata (1981) (isang pelikula na hinahamon ang tradisyonal na sistemang patriyarkal at ideolohiya ng machismo o pagkalalaki) at Liway (2018) (tungkol sa isang ina at kung paano niya binatayan at sinigurado kaligtasan ng kaniyang anak habang martial law). Nakakalungkot lang isipin na sa isang pelikula na kumakalaban sa ganitong ideolohiya ay may isang daang pelikula na tinutulak ito. Isang halimbawa pa ng pelikula na itinutulak ang ganitong pagiisip ay ang One More try (2012) na sinisi ng karakter ni Dingdong Dantes ang karakter ni Angelica Panganiban dahil sa pagkamatay ng kanilang anak dahil nakunan si Angelica. Idinahilan ni Dingdong na inuna pa kasi ni Angelica ang kaniyang career. Maraming problema ang pelikulang ito na isang artikulo ang kailangan para rito.

Hangga’t pinapakita sa takilya na kababaihan ay minamaltrato, hinihiya, at minamaliit para umusad ang kwento ng lalaking karakter ay hindi tayo makakaasa na maayos ang problema ng misogonismo sa pilipinas. Kaya sa susunod na manood ka ng pelikula at hindi mo nagustuhan ang trato sa babaeng bida isipin mo “gagawin ba nila ito sa kaniya kung lalaki siya?”

Saturday, July 16, 2022

Peek a second in my mind

A moment in time
Decided in a snap
Even with the length of the chase
A stranger took my place
I bleed and bleed  to ease the pain
Not knowing it will kill me again
After all things have been said
I only just dug my grave
I could lose now what I hold
Just like what happened before
To all the gods out there
I wish for this to work
Or else the feeling will fade
And I think no one will love me
In the degree I am loved now
I wish it wasn't about 
Being loved by someone else
To have my glass heart held
Scared for it to shatter

That's a second inside my mind
Would you like another?

Tuesday, June 14, 2022

Our dog died today


 

I could not sleep a wink last night

Having no idea why

I was uncomfortable on my bed

No matter how I lie

A sense of pounding in my chest

Throbs inside my heart

Then I got the sleep I want that night

Not knowing what God had in mind

My mom called me up at 8 o’clock

Three hours earlier than my usual waking up

I slept at four and woke up at eight

So, you could guess my mental state

“Haru (my dog) is not moving” my mom said

So, I jump from my bed and swiftly checked

There she was in all her glory

White fur in her shiny coating

But the way she lies, there’s something off

That is not how a dog lies on sleeping position

I touched her leg, it was cold

Opened her cage, she didn’t move

Her eyes were opened half in a lifeless gaze

We knew it would happen one of these days

We just didn’t know that it would happen today

Her lifeless body was dragged by a neighbor

“She was already gone last night”

Holding her over his shoulder

We had to watch him drag our best friend

And slowly bury her in the ground

And just like those ten years of barking

Jumping on the sight of us, smiling

Are all gone in one night

And the house felt bigger on sight

From now on there will be no barking at home

No dog to be excited to see us come home

She’s in heaven now

 

 

 

 

Thursday, June 2, 2022

M&M

Suddenly all the love songs made sense
And I put down all of my fence
I broke the walls so high up
Now I'm happy with what I have

Everyday is a Christmas feeling 
In my stomach, butterflies rumbling
Heart in my chest vigorously pounding
Every moment, I see fireworks flying

Scared as I may be
I know I'm never alone
I may be then
But not now

Monday, May 30, 2022

Sitio Masikap

 




I sat down on my desk early morning and put my coffee on the table. Upon sitting I saw a newspaper beside my keyboard which seemed to be an old one judging from how it looks. But before I could inspect it, my superior asked me to check on a case that happened last night. “There was mugging at Sitio Masikap last night, the victim was fortunately unhurt but his bag containing his wallet, laptop, and cellphone was taken away by the perpetrator. You will handle this case and interview the residents in the area along with the victim later” I nodded and felt a sense of excitement that I would finally get out of my desk. For some reason I got the urge to look at the newspaper on my desk, but the victim was in the precinct, and I had to interview him.

The interview room reeks of metal and the silver tubes with the water piping and steel walls follows along with it, the steel door is shut and the table separating us was bolted to the ground. In front of me is a tall, pale, curly haired guy who was still visibly shaken from the incident. I smiled at him “Coffee?” I asked him in which he shook his head in reply. His eyes were wandering, and he kept looking over his shoulder as if would come and get him. I loosened my shoulder to make him comfortable which he seemed to notice as he looked down while he played with the strings on his jacket. “Can you tell me what time the incident occurred?” I asked. “It was 11pm, right after a study session with a groupmate”

“Where did the incident happen, if you can recall?”

“It was in the dark part of the neighborhood when it occurred. It was right by an old house, which I easily recognized because of a distinct large window with white railings on the side”

“Did you notice if anyone is in that house?”

“No, sorry it was really dark and the next thing I knew-“he stopped and cried a bit. I stopped questioning for a bit and offered him a cold glass of water. I waited until he was ready to talk but succeeding details did not help in the slightest bit, he did mention that he put up a bit of a fight and scratched up the perpetrator’s face. So, he would have a distinct scratch in the face.

“I guess that’s all for now, I will see if there are any eyewitnesses in the area” I said as I reached out my hand to him. I could feel him shaking but as I smile, it stopped, and he let out a big sigh.

“I trust you to catch him” he said, “I need those for my thesis.”

Before lunch I went around the neighborhood where the mugging happened and asked the residents if they had heard or seen anything. Most of them answered to no avail - as it was late at night. They were either asleep or were used to cats bickering on their rooftops, so they did not bother to check. Thankfully, all of them were cooperative but it wasn’t enough to get a proper lead. I kept looking at the big, windowed house that the victim said, but I had no luck in the entire afternoon so by 7pm I decided to call it a day. On the way home I saw the house with white railings and an old lady dusting it off and an old man mowing their front lawn. I jump in excitement as I walk towards them.

“Good day, may I ask you and your partner some questions regarding an incident last night?” the old man wearing a green polo shirt and khaki pants greeted me with a smile, it’s as if they had not interacted with anyone for a long time. He held me by my arm when I noticed a gold watch on his left wrist that looked expensive - it felt cold, maybe it was because of the sweat from mowing the lawn. Calling his wife, we entered their home and he led me to their living room where he dusted my seat before he sat down. It was a nice house, it didn’t look old from the inside, it had sparkling chandelier which looked expensive and out of place, the cabinets are clean and well-kept from where I am sitting, the rug looks soft, and the two white cats are behaving near the litter box. His wife comes jogged lightly down the stairs wearing a brown dress with flowers on the skirt, then offered me hot chocolate, I said yes. She went to the kitchen adjacent to the living room. She returned shortly and as they set the tray and face each other. After settling down, I asked them the same questions that I asked the other residents. They were smiling and nodding at every sentence I mutter. They were smiling and all, but there is this eerie feeling behind my mind that I can’t seem to get rid of as I was getting goosebumps, but I didn’t let it get to me and continued.

“Oh dear, that is horrible. Is the kid okay?” she asked as I nodded in reply. “We don’t know anything about the incident, but I saw a large man with scratched up face frantically sprinting while holding a bag towards the grassy areas” the husband pointed to the grassy area at the far end of the neighborhood. You can see it from afar as the tall bushes are oddly shaped. I stood up and bid my farewell. “I’m sorry we haven’t exchanged pleasantries, I’m Luke”

“This is my husband Victor, and my name is Carla. we are the Riveros remember that dear.”

She said that so sweet but when she said “remember that dear,” it sent chills down my spine as if my entire body felt a crawling shiver and I felt my feet getting heavy. I nodded at them and turned around to call back up saying I have a lead.

I was focused on the bushes and finally having a lead after a long day of work, that I didn’t get to ask how he saw the scratch on the face of the guy in the darkness of the night.

After 5 minutes, three police cars came and my superior went beside me and said, “Are you sure about this” I said yes and pointed at the house behind me “The couple there helped me”. I can see at the corner of my eye that he looked puzzled and looked at me indifferently, he was about to say something when we saw rustling in the bushes. We cautiously checked if it was someone or something that was rustling in the bushes. After a few minutes of checking the vicinity, we saw a shadowy figure which was startled by our arrival. He immediately run and sure enough we took down the guy and unmasking him fit the description. Entering the grass field, we saw his hideout and saw the laptop and bag that fits the description perfectly of the kid who was mugged, along with the other stolen goods. My superior called it a day. “I would like to thank the couple” I said as I went a few blocks back and called outside their house but there was no response, I figured that the couple was asleep already, I guess I’d thank them the other day.

The next day I went back to my desk with my other co-workers applauding me. The victim also went to thank me as the police retrieved everything that was taken from him. I sat down on my desk had, my coffee and relaxed my back on the chair. The newspaper was still at my desk and as I read it I thought it off that the newspaper was published January 18, 1976, but much to my horror the headline reads: “Elderly couple brutally murdered at Sitio Masikap.” The old man was wearing a green polo shirt and khaki pants and the old lady was wearing a brown dress with flowers on the skirt.

It was the Riveros.

Friday, April 29, 2022

I love you no more

It never occurred to me how things have changed
I just woke up one day healed 
The smile I wore on my face
That you chased away in time
Have now return in me
And finally I can say I'm fine
Things could be better handled
But we did the best we could
With the cards dealt to us
Fate, destiny, or whatever
The choices still remain on us
So like a heavy boulder off my chest
I can finally say
At this point in time
And forever beyond this
I love you no more

Sunday, April 17, 2022

Not Angry, just done

 



It didn't have to be rubbed on
Or insisted on every moment
I got it from the get go
Repetition only made me resent
It was a mistake falling for you
There was a time you make my heart flew
But now every cell in my body
Regurgitates the thought of you
We fall for the wrong person
Each time we experience that 
It hurts and throbs a bit more
I just experienced yours tenfold

It was then
Feelings of annoyance and regret
Have long past and gone
Anger that lies within
Is all but gone
I am merely done
Done with the feelings I felt
Done feeling what I hate to feel
I can't resent what I long back then
My mind is simply done
And my heart earned its rest

Tuesday, March 29, 2022

It was never meant to be


 

You weren't the right person in the wrong time
It would be the same outcome in any lifetime
Or in any chances for that matter
There's no scene in this movie where we end up together
You simply didn't feel the same way
But to you, I have nothing I hold against
You simply didn't feel the same
I was hurt, my heart beaten to a pulp
But it was me who felt that
And I know you in your best intentions
Will never hurt me on purpose
So no one was in fault of anything
I'm just happy we could dance in the rain
Leave the things behind us
And hope someone could love us properly

Monday, March 28, 2022

I think we'll never be ready


 We could wait forever
And we'll never be something
I never thought that our timing was off
It's just, we were never meant for each other
To begin with
It's was never about being ready for someone
We were simply not made for each other
I could wait a thousand moon phases
And watch another thousand sunsets
And I could never get the answer
I desired so always
So I think we should've cut the crap 
Earlier, of not being ready
Because we both knew from the beginning
I stood no chance to begin with
This story had no ending 
With the two of us ending up together
So it was never a matter of being ready
You just didn't like me in the way
I like you
And that's fine
I can and will live with that

Wednesday, March 23, 2022

It was never my love story


If we met in a time where everything is perfect
Before we were beaten, bruised and doubtful
A time where the hope are in our eyes
And our future are still in our hands
I may have gotten the ending I want
From the beginning to the conclusion
But looking at that world
The world we do end up together
I realized that I wouldn't be happy anyway
And it would only hurt more
Because I would convince myself happy
Months gave passed since my heart was shattered
But even past the thawing winter
It remains to be a barren desert
Every word you said still resonates in me 
Each memory aching from the last
So instead of holding on 
To every "what could have been"
And "what ifs"
Rather than hold onto this fantasy
I plant my feet on the ground
Grounded in the reality 
Where the possibility of us 
Is something fate never entertained

Wednesday, March 9, 2022

I can't feel anything

Isolation seeped into mind
I can put out a smile
But from thoughts
The idea is alienated
The joy of love 
In which I held onto
Was nothing more
Than something I brush off
To connect with someone
Who can make my heart beat fast
Is a sensation I long 
As it is a sensation that left
Maybe this will fade
My cynicism and all
But now my mind is too cluttered
To feel anything

Tuesday, February 1, 2022

A bit too short

Just when things fall into place
Adn the goal is whithin reach
Some random bullshit happens
Which is frustrating to extent
It feels kind of bothering
As if the world simply
Doesn't want you to be happy

Saturday, January 22, 2022

Maybe soon

A sense of purpose is drifting
As the end is only beginning
A new step is about to unfold
Another story about to be told
And it shivers me more than cold
Maybe things will work out
Not just immediately

Tuesday, January 11, 2022

Bothered but letting go

Trouble I get always back then
The rage within me stays
How I wish I knew to stand up for myself
So that my rage weren't projected
On the peopl who genuinly cares
I wish I had ben braver then
So that I have stopped what I hate
Troubling the past may seem
I can only move forward here
Hoping to meet better people 
As I've experienced the worse ones already
And may the ones who I've hurt
In my process of healing 
Thrive in times where they need most
Cause they deserve it all
I just wish I didn't hurt people
When I am hurting as well
I could never forgive the ones
Who did me wrong in the past
So it's only fair
If the one I hurt do the same also
But I wish for all of us to move forward
And get the peace we rightfully deserve

Thursday, January 6, 2022

Up from here

It worked better than expected
I felt the large boulder on me
Is finally removed
Finally the finish line is clear
And the end of the tunnel brims
I hope we only go up from here

Wednesday, January 5, 2022

Scary

It's scary to be honest 
To face the same thing again
And take the hit
That I took back then
But maybe this time I'll win
And things work out
Still I'm shaken to my core
Because what if the same thing happen again
I don't think I can handle it
But as they always say
There is only one ay to find out

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

This far

It feels suffocating
Of all the things I need to manage
To the bumps along the road
I feel like its draining me more
And the enthusiasm I once had
Just wishes for things to just end
Just like that
Slowly I lose my passion
And it hurts when you lose it
When you came this far

Monday, January 3, 2022

Care

I fear the day that I won't care anymore
Where all the love in me is no more
When I would watch the world burn
Then simply shake my head and turn
Lately it feels like that 
Where verything I do falls flat
I hope to shake off the feeling
And don't slowly turn me cynic

Sunday, January 2, 2022

Generational leap

Maybe somewhere deep down
I wished someone talk to me that way
Someone could have understand
And someone actually listened
That's why we break the cycle
And we stop doing the things
We wish that were not done to us

Saturday, January 1, 2022

Tenses

We scour the years looking back
And looking forward
Hung up on past mistakes
And hope of the future
When we could live in the present
Well even I struggle to live in the moment
Feeling trapped in both tenses