It's really hot today

As heat sinks within my skin

Sweat slowly outs, gushing

Head hurts and eyes tearing

The cold sucks, but heat is never better

As it envelops the entire house

Most of us simply wants to get out

But there are things you have to stay for

So you try to make the heat more bearable

But dans and cold drinks won't save you

As the lack of windows are horror

So you learn to live with that heat

Hopefully it goes away in a beat

Happiness may be in a place closer than you think

We search for it desperately

In all it's shapes and forms

Some thought they shape like a person

Sometimes contained in phones

But the thing is that the search

Is often over before we realize

But we keep wanting specific things

The we ignore those closest with us

Step back and look around

It won't hurt once in a while

The calm is never calming

Flooded in my thoughts again

As the calm is seeping in

I fear the silence lingering

As yesterday bad news comes crashing

It never occured to me the good days

Because the pay back was insane

They come too quick asking payment

For the temporary smiles

And laughter you had beginning

So now tomorrow is dire

As nothing is truly fine

The lighter days are only warning 

For the darker days coming

But deep inside I know I'm not

The pessimist I thought I am

These past few days were just too hard

That my luck has a lot to be desired

But still I hope for better days

Where things slowly goes my way

And even if sometimes I fail

I will rise up and brush the pain

meh

Everything falls into ruins

As if success is scarce

Giving my best often

Results to nothing

Wishes

May the leaders be replaced

By those truly competent

And the love we all want

May be the one we get

May the friendships we have

Forever last

The dreams we long to have

Be the dreams we had

As we have already

Achieved all of them

I love my friends

The evening mist embraces the land

As doubts fills inside the mind

But sometimes the night is comforting 

As the moon solely for you shining

And  you look back on the times

That fate and destiny has not been kind

But then again you look around

And saw more sincere people to be found

From the  deafening silence back then

You found people who will love you loud

And beside you who will stand proud

Deep inside you can't help yourself tear up

Because all your life this is what you wish to find

But youth and immaturity mess things up

Even before relationships could be built up

So I'm grateful for the ones I have

And thankful for the ones I had

May forever in our fates be carved

As I hold you dear all in my heart

What ifs

Breathe in as hard as you can

As all you have can change in a moment

You can stay safe and avoid 

But they will never clear anything

And you will be a prison of you what ifs

What the heck am I waiting for

The jitters before the leap faith

Scares the most at best

But you will forever wonder

What would have happen

If the leap was only made

I refuse to forever wonder

What could have been forever

So whatever happened then

Would seal all the what ifs

For this time I would be bold

But still fears the repercussions

Because my world could crumble

Or raise with one answer

Maybe if things go well

I would simply wonder

All this time,

What was I waiting for

Wake the hell up

Today will not be much different

As all the thoughts I repressed

As I do the things I resent

Inside my mind I feel oppressed

Of the chase of the love I want

But never seem to act

Drowned in lies of my fantasies

I would crawl forever in this reality

Because I have fallen for an angel

Unlike everyone I fell for before

But if ever she doesn't love me back

I would accept it like a man

Because we often associate love

For those who stayed and have

Taken all the hits the could

But sometimes leaving 

Is better than believing

To the reality we shouldn't

She could find someone like me tomorrow

But to find someone like her is a sorrow

The closest thing you will get to closure

It's when the name don't sting anymore

And the memories don't shake your core

All the pain you've felt before

Will all be nevermore

But they will never speak a word

As they suddenly ghost your world

The best thing you can do is move forward

As the one who left is much of a coward

To end the things on a positive note

Who never really cares when you emote

A puppet with a string is all you are

Even though you love them with all your heart

You don't deserve the ache you're taking 

As in 5 years time, this person would worth nothing

Because you will soon realize that the sky is blue

With or without the liar you once loved and knew

You will regret the tears you cried

But atleast you'll face tomorrow with pride

They will try to manipulate everything around you

But you have to remember that you are you

Because these narcissists will never change

No matter how hard or much you gave

They will blame everything around themselves

But never look within thyself

The closest thing you will get to a closure

Is when tomorrow you comes truer

Where your sense of worth is deep inside of you

Without the person you thought you knew

They will make you look bad in all sorts of ways

But remember the true ones along the way

You are more than a puppet on a string

As you never know what tomorrow may bring

If the red flags starts to wave

If I fall too hard for some person

Please smack my head as hard as you can

So that I would relearn the boundaries

That I worked so hard to raise

When the person I love starts to get cold

I really hope my friend will be there to carry on

That when the red flags starts waving 

They would my rose colored glasses

And slap the hell out of me

When I do things unreasonably

Grief speaks for itself

Grief speaks for the pain itself

As the pain never truly subsides

People around you went on with their lives

But deep inside, there is a battle within self

A battle of guilt and sorrow

That exist in multiple tomorrows

It crushed you from deep within

And never leaves even when

You feel the heights and wish to begin

A new life where sorrow is ended

Where the lost of a loved one

Has been fully accepted

Time really does not heal things

As the pain was felt after some years

The stake in your heart was never pulled

And through time was thoroughly pushed

I really hope tomorrow be kinder

For the grieving  hearts be in order

As the isolation I have never helps

I only realize what I wish to delve

He's gone too soon, we all know that

I just hope the years were kind enough 

To not to remind that

We buried my father too soon

Because he'll never see me reach the heights

Of the things he often dreamed for me

He will never walk my sisters down the aisle

Or praise me when I become an attorney

He could never renew his vows to my mother

And he will never hug his granddaughter

The house I'll build, he'll never criticize

And the cars I'll buy, he'd never ride

He could not see me fall in love for the first time

And I could not run to him for any advice

The wife I'll have will never know him

But he'll be a legend to my future children

He'll only be a story in our gatherings

And to those he helped, a pleasant memory

The people around us have moved on

But the four of us is still trying strong

Because he could never grow old with my mother

Nor he would have to be taken care of by my sister

I could never spoil him with riches

And be proud of me when I'm at my earnest

He will never meet the girls I swoon

As too early he met his doom

That every night I curse the moon

That we buried my father too soon

State of mind

These past few days I feel 

Like I have been left out for real

The stride I had was disappearing

As I feel like my mind and heart breaking

But to break at this point would be foolish

As I would throw everything I accomplish

What I feel in this state of mind

Is merely a setback that disappears in time

I'll stand up and wipe the dirt

Patch the wounds, ignore the hurt

As the phoenix have yet to rise from the ashes

As he still burns brights only with weaker flashes

So tomorrow's challenge is anticipated

As today's problems would not leave me decimated

The storm will pass and will come another

But each rain and thunder will make me tougher

Crush

When beauty walks in the room

There was no one else but you

To your sight I'm awed and glued

I failed to notice the other two

And when you smiled, and said "hi"

My train of thought, stopped for a while

Then I respond, nod knowingly

But deep inside, my heart beats rapidly

My hands are shaking I feel a tremor

As the room temperature felt like going higher

I blushed a bit til someone notice

And composed myself with your presence

Still I wonder when can I see you again

Because days at home feels like a burden

I'd never ask for something much

But a simple "hi" would be nice

It's not them, it's you

The thing about trauma is that people have longed move on before you could even process what happened. They have forgotten what they have done, but you are still trying to process your own emotions for that matter. You cannot distinguish anger from embarrassment or even to grief. Gaslighted you will be, if you keep opening it up because to them, it's nothing, you simply brush it off. But it eats you, those words they said are forever engraved in your mind while they live their entire lives unscathed.

I never really understood why some people translate abuse as love language. No, it did not make anyone of us stronger we're just insecure idiots who keep masking them with arrogance. Some were even lucky to mask it because some never really recover from the damage it does, it is all visible and no matter how good willed the people around you are, they cannot help if those voices still try to seep in your mind. The world is cruel enough for bullying to start at home. You're not training anyone to become stronger, you are projecting your own trauma to a person who cannot fend for himself and you want them to think they owe you, they don't.

That is why some people struggle even up to their twenties discerning what love is to what not love is. They were abused in any shape or form ,may it be verbal or physical, making them struggle to discern what genuine love is. Then an asshole comes and sweeps you off your feet because they showed you the slightest bit of affection. But please, if you are not capable of genuine love, don't involve other people into it or even have the audacity to bring a child into this world. 

Abuse did not make you stronger or wiser as the boomers insist. The fact that you are more than willing to hurt someone who is incapable of fighting back means that there is something wrong with you.

Winds

May the winds be kind

For a lady so fine

As she did the best she could be

Give her what she earn modestly

Oh if she could see the way I look at her

Will she realize I could love no other?

Like how wonderful the day is

When I get a sight of her message

Or how happy my heart often be

When she simply smiles at me

I wish the end of the story be

Me and her eternally

But if fates would interfere

Give her to someone so sincere

Who could love her the way I do

When my luck just run out

Because what I have, wasn't reciprocated

Frustrated

This is really getting frustrating

As no instructions were in place

And help is scarce to none

Every word is really vague

And the clues don't really help

You lose the game when your head gets hot

But you lose further when you stop

Frustrations have all come seeping in

I just hope I don't burst and waste what I begin

A minor setback I will consider

For this moment of so tender

My head throbs trying to spill

More information I have to fill

It was always you

It was always you,

Who filled my days with hopes

And made life worth it

Who made me smile at random times

And made me thank God, I was alive

All the talks between us two

Are in my mind for forever and too

Much time I spent without talking to you

Feels like every day that passes is wrong

I wished you upon every star

And have always wished to be your sun

Every comet that passes by

It's you who slips my mind

I guess heart beats for one person

Despite the universe opposing reason

But till the moment I write these poems

They always pertain to this one person

Who crossed my mind once

And never left even when given a chance

Still the subject of my every work

The symbol of my every word

We really tried

We're all trying to be someone for something

Chase the highs and keep on dreaming

Jump the hurdles, even when slightly bleeding

And be with bonus, be someone's everything

Tough

Days get tougher every single day

But tasks do get lighter in every way

I don't expect to finish this all

But bit by bit the weight gets loose

And when I am anticipating my fall

For fortune fate had me choose

If ever you say no

I guess the thought of choosing you, never crossed my mind

As my heart for love, have never been that unkind

Because to say of choosing you, is to consider others

But in this case my heart never belonged to another

May it be the error of human feelings 

That I pinned myself on one human being

Whom I never had any assurance

Of being embraced by my arms

I just hope the dread of wait

Would bear for something great

But if the tides don't come my way

And what I wish won't be provided by fate

I shall bear no ill will

And take the loss as my blood spill

But I would never speak of harm to her

As it is never her fault romance for us was never

But still I hope, inside my mind

That this one, God will be kind

But if still no, I humbly respect

And fall gracefully with my reject

All dogs go to heaven

May it be their soft fur

Or their pressing paw

No one could deny

That dogs are benign

But the world itself

Is too cruel and inept

Cannot seem to handle 

The wonder of these canines

So they live in short lives

More than what love could suffice

But even if they live a hundred years

Their end would leave us to tears

Since this world is too damn cruel

God take back dogs much sooner

Because in the kingdom of heaven

They would live forever

Beside their rightful creator 

Far from this world too cruel

So wipe your tear for his depart

As he stays forever in your heart

As in this world he is fallen

But I assure, all dogs go to heaven

To those who waited

I'd chase the never ending night

For a second of your sight

And walk the endless road of miles

Just to catch a glimpse of your smile

May the stars and planets align

For so long I have waited for a sign

But for now I am loss for words

And I could not continue this poem no more

May we all receive the love we think

We deserve for a very long time

To the love we always kept

In all the things I hid before

This one kills me ever more

As feelings kept only grow

If you kept them for so long

Then from the roots leaves appear

Bearing love to a casual peer

You'd love to keep, it all as friends

But we all know it never ends

Till you adore every little piece

Of someone you adore so bliss

A love letter once more

You can never tell what's on her mind

Sometime what comes out it

Are like thoughts of a child

But the sight of her never made me fret

Because her smile is that kind

There are days when she may feel unfamiliar

And conversing feels like a chore

But I guess to someone you really adore

They feel like they could do no wrong

How wonderful it is to fall for someone

Who never made you feel you need to change

In all the setbacks you've had before

You just kept falling for her more

She's just  strong but never too much

And too wonderful for this world to touch

I never felt the need to make a scenario in my mind

Because the reality with her, is all I ever want

Confused

Sometimes the right words don't come out

And the mind is too burnt out

Maybe I'd skip a few things tonight

And sort the things in my mind

The stars drew wrong

Stars have drawn our fate above

Dictating things we all will have

But in times of great distress

I would like for a chance to suggest

As the lines they drawn never worked much

And some never live to tell a tale such

Some suffer before they could accept 

The fate that it to them for take

Why does some drawings in the stars

Never seems to work in the desire of ours

As the chase of good life is all we do

What if the stars never meant for it to do

Do we blame the fate so ill-stricken

Or do we act and move to make those changes

Just a little more

 The breeze flew in another direction

As fate dictated different course of action

Time will pass over and over again 

But I guess these feelings remain the same

Because in every course of event

Choosing love remains the intent

And the heart may keep wishing to extent

But one day it will find where it will be content

Waiting has always been a mistake

But when someone this worth it 

And you're actually building up to something

Maybe this time patience will bear fruit

Way better than before

Things were going better than before 

So much that I ever thought

I guess what the mind conceives

Sometimes exaggerates

The things more than what they seem

Passes

I guess still in the years that passes by

You remain tenant on my mind

As you exist in here rent free

Till then, and always be