I think my greatest mistake in the four years I stayed in the university is that I was so keen on graduating early and on time that I didn't really have a plan what to do once I got it. I chased the finish line for so long that I forgot that it was another starting line toward another path in life that I feel so lost as of the moment. Knowing years ago that I dreamt to be in this position, I can't help but feel anxious that I'm not doing anything as of now.
Some of my batchmates already got job offers with companies competing for them and I sit here writing and playing old gameboy games on my laptop. This week I finished Kirby's dreamland, Super Mario Land 1 and 2, Castlevania Rebirth, Megaman BattleNetwork. First feeling in mind was not relief or any sense of accomplishment. I felt like a loser. It didn't feel fulfilling finishing the games I long to finish then but couldn't because of my busy schedule, I felt like a loser for having time in to finish those games while some of my batchmates are in law school, med school, or working. Chasing the dreams we all pledged once that we would chase during our freshie days. I can't help but think that I fell short to that promise.
The people around me are nice enough to validate that I am not losing as of the moment and I am doing just fine and it has only been two months since I graduated. But I can't shake the feeling of despair that I am not doing what I was supposed to do. I established my worth in every tasks and exercises I finish that their absence left me emptier than the stress they cause me. I felt like despite the despair I felt back then, in a way they gave me a sense of worth, direction as per say whereas I know that despite the hardships, I am going somewhere. I tied myself to the construct of finishing and obeying orders that freedom felt foreign to me.
It really is very odd to feel lost after gaining something that I chased for so long. I guess this is what it feels when you loved the journey so much, the destination felt pale in comparison. The next journey to come feels weird and disoriented. I never really knew what to do with myself as of the moment. It's sad to achieve so much during my study years only to contemplate if I was a fraud all along or was bullshitting my way through my academic years.
To be honest, this has no resolution as of now. I am still waiting for something that has been long overdue. I hope to brush off this feeling someday. But for now, I'll wallow in my self pity.
