Rest

Let's rest 

For today

Attention

We fall and fall flat our face

For love, we chase and chase

Until we all find that great escape

Where nothing truly matters

And it is you who give power to it

Everything becomes powerless

When it lacks your attention

This doesn't apply to systemic issues

Rather to societal ones

That feeds off attention

So stop chasing the ones

Who won't give a single damn

And focus on the ones

Who will love you back

None

A bit exhausted

maybe beat to an extent

I'll have no words for today 

but tomorrow I'll have plenty

Own bullshit

At the end of the day 

We're terrified of our own ghosts

Ghosts of dreams we killed

And whose confidence we crushed

We're afraid of the pain

That we inflicted upon others

And hate the discomfort

We put others through

Human beings are prone to mistakes

Possibly hurting others

But if we admit to ourselves

That we did what we did not want to

We can still save the part of ourselves

Begging to be a good person

Because evil is not hurting others

As even the kindest can do so

It is to persevere when you are aware

That people are being hurt

And not mind them because 

You felt the same then

The greatest tragedy you can be

Is to inflict pain others so much

While victimizing yourself

Every person deserve salvation

But being aware of our own bullshit

Is a step one

Journey to healing

We'll never shake what hurts today

As we can only move towards tomorrow

Because the baggage are not getting lighter

We can only be tougher

For the next years when we are stronger

The pain will be more bearable

And the good thing 

On everything in between

Is that you have good friends

To traverse the journey with

It hurts, but it gets better

It never gets easier, the pain of loss

You move on bit by bit

But even in th farthest of years

The scars can throb

And every pain demands to be felt

They will never return

Nor knock on the front door again

Another meal with them

Will be left uneaten

We can only move forward

With the baggage on our backs

Hoping that things do get better

Maybe more or less

What change will I encounter I think

A year from now many things could happen

Especially now that change is imminent

Last year I was hoping for more

But as always, I fell short

Am I the one holding myself back

Did I let myself be a product

Of cowardice and fear

Am I as good as nothing anyway?

Because everything that led to this point

Feels like a fluke

In a way, I never felt

That I deserve what I have

I hope this fades away

Because I want more

Reality kicks in

We all wanted some things

To end in different certain ways

Fantasizing every possibility

And every timeline there is

In the end we live with these mistakes

And the bad decisions along the way

We want things to be different

But we could only accept the reality

Impostor

Doesn't feel like me

For these past few days

I feel like a hack

For feeling this way

As everything I accomplished

Feels like, born out of luck

And when it runs out

I'm useless as fuck

I just hate this feeling

Like if I really deserve things

Am I really doing something

Or am I just really lucky

Forward

If it will come, in some time

I hope it will be worth it

Because it really sucks

To be stuck in a loop

With no progress in sight

I'm looking forward to it

Way

No word comes out of my mind 

maybe sometimes let's keep it that way

It bothered me

It bothered me 

It did actually

More than I am willing to admit

More than my pride dictates

Hauntingly, 

It creeped into my dreams

And planted fear in my mind

It bothered me more than it should

Bothering me more than it possibly could

Bit more

Future is brighter than you thought

Rejections are part of living 

And that failed exam is not the end

Mistakes are often made

Which makes you a person

But it is evil to persevere that mistake

It's a matter of playing the right cards

And thrive for a better you

It hurts today

And it is getting tiring

But it will be better

Try a little bit more

Old wounds

I said it wouldn't bother me

But it hurts more than it should

Words are just words I say

Now it's 3am and I'm wide awake

Why can't we leave things

The way that they are

Why do we have to reopen 

Every old wound from the start

Mabilis

Sabi mo mahal mo ang araw pagbabasa ngunit mabilis kang nainip, Sabi mo mahal mo ang araw, pero mabilis kang humanap ng silong, Sabi mo mahal mo ang ulan pero mabilis kang humugot ng payong, bigla kang nagpayong kaya natakot ako nung sinabi mong mahal mo ako

To share the feeling

What if you're ready to take a gamble

And that other person is not?

You could be jumping all this ocean

And the certain person you love

Will not bother over a puddle

Oh how great of a tragedy it is

To be prepared to risk everything you have

Even the possibility of having none

And have no one to share the feeling

Not ready for

I have the tendency to chase it

And desperately I did

I tripped, cursed and fell

Flat on my face

Bruising my cheeks and knees

At times I felt it at my fingertips

Only for it to run faster

Making lose track of it

So now not only I failed to catch

It is something I need to find

But I have to be honest to you

If the day comes that I do find it

And keep it in my arms

The idea on what to do with it

Is not something I'm ready for

All about Kate (part 3)

The rest of the weeks were mundane compared to the first day experience I had. Kate was only my classmate during core subjects that is why I rarely see her because I only have two core subjects as of now, being a freshman and all. Through time I got close to multiple people in the university. Marisol have been a staple with me while my friends Mark and CJ has been great also. We often hang out in this carinderia named Hana Rose and talk about school related stuff. I have been seeing Kate in the classroom but much to my surprise she is a really shy girl who is often quiet. She has that vibes but I never thought it’d be like that.

We have orientations that were called G.I. but I forgot what it stands for and I saw Kate there as she was my blocmate. Those G.I. are conducted to create a support group in adapting to the university. It was usual where we played party games and some were more competitive than others. I figure if they were even relieving themselves from the stress of the academics or simply chasing a win to boost their ego. During a relay calamansi race they were bumping one another and the charades was so loud that I forgot if anyone scored. We also played dragon’s tail but the sport was deemed too dangerous to be played indoors so Mark and Marisol were left with bleeding knees and could barely walk from that point on.


The event ended with half of us exhausted, some hurt and there is a notable population who was part of the two. I was part of the third population. My back hurts from the piggy back race with Marisol and I was too exhausted to think during the pass the message and I could not wink properly so we lost. Making Marisol mad with me, adding to my exhaustion. It was 6pm by the time we finished. Mark went home immediately to prepare to go on a date with a girl from the college of engineering. CJ rushed to the church for his daily worship and Marisol simply disappeared into thin air. My other batchmates left hastily and angrily with their mental health maybe even worse than they entered.


Looking up, the sky was darkening and the wind was cold by the time I got out of the building. The rain was pouring hard and the streets were foggy in the least. It was drizzling before we entered so my umbrella was in the rack and I immediately picked mine up as the university was notorious for umbrella thefts. Wary and cautious as I may be some people did not share those traits as there was a girl coming out from the bathroom frantically searching for something. In time I was about to exit the building the girl came out and the streaks of red hair made her recognizable. It was Kate, she was panicking hard because her umbrella got stolen. Her friends left immediately as they all have their own agenda to deal with. Which kind of reminds me of my friends.



I suggested that she steal one of the defenseless umbrellas and run through the rain and call it a day. Pointing at the polka dots, yellow with a cartoonish sun, and a fibrella which have seen multiple terrors. But I was met with a dead gaze and frowned look as Kate said: “I would never stoop that low.”


“Did you steal that?” she followed pointing at my brown fibrella with Hello Kitty strap


“No!” but at that moment I knew my hostile and defensive answer did not help my cause and I knew from that moment on Kate would not believe anything I say.


“Uh huh, Then who is Jasmine?”


“My sister!”

“Uh huh”


Her teasing went on for another two minutes with questions ranging from why would I own an umbrella that has a pink hello kitty strap to asking if I think stealing is a crime only if I was caught. My face was feeling hot and I know I am strawberry red as of now. I put my head down while mumbling “this is really my sister’s umbrella, I lost mine long ago” and went on like that. Kate was laughing and I broke my train of thought when I saw Kate stopped laughing and grabbed her bag over her and was breathing deeply preparing to run. I looked away while stretching my arm and umbrella over her. On my peripheral vision, at the side of my eye. I saw her smiling while tucking strands of her hair behind her ear.


“Let me walk you home”, I said while holding the umbrella and feeling her leaning closer to me.


Against my shoulder I felt her head nodding so we walked towards her dormitory.

All about kate (part 2)

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH”

The screams filled the hollow building at 7pm in the evening.  I calmed down when I recognized the red hair and shouted “hey calm down it’s me!” Her fear is still not subsiding as her eyes are still shut and her hands are against me in the air. Her face still gleams in the dark but her voice is really piercing my ears. Still trying to cover my ears and keeping my head down I grabbed her arm, which is probably not a good idea because she just started screaming more and I felt a left hook hit me clean in the cheek.

My face was numb and my grip was loosened, another left hook was coming but it grazed me only a bit, and by a bit I mean it felt pretty solid still. It took her two punches to realize that she wasn’t facing a ghost nor a threat. In fact, I would argue that she is the threat in the current scenario. When a glint of light showed my face and she started to look in between her fingers she calmed down. But had her head down most of the time. 

“Sorry, I left my purse inside  and I was afraid of a ghost or something would attack me”

I simply nodded my head agreeing to her since with the strength of her hook I’m positive that she will be fine by herself. But she was still visibly embarrassed and my cheeks felt swollen and when she tried to poke it sympathetically, it hurt more. She keeps apologizing and kept looking down all the time so I had to reassure her that I do not mind the punches.

“I didn’t catch your name, what is it?”

“Leon”

“I’m Kate and I’m really sorry”

We agreed to walk together to the nearest jeepney stop. Awkwardly, I was trying to laugh off the experience and after a while she was laughing along with me too, her face lit up in the night and the atmosphere lightened with no sense of awkwardness in the air. We separated when a friend of hers went by and picked her up so that she would be accompanied to her dorm this time of the night.

I waited for at least five minutes before a jeepney accommodate me and in that span of time I remembered that I have not yet used the bathroom so in the way home I saw a gasoline station and despite getting a jeepney that will end me direct at home, I stopped and used a gasoline station bathroom and let me tell you, gasoline bathrooms do not look or smell nice in any manner or form. I had an encounter with a girl earlier and I should be happy but this stomach and bathroom stall is not helping in any manner or form. 

All about kate (part 1)

I was pretty sure I’d die alone. Fate was never kind to me, from the illest of weather to the worst of luck, I figured having someone by my side would worsen the consequences. Running late for my first class, the wind was slapping against my face. The jeepney I rode toward the school seemed to hate me as it turned right when I was clear that I would go to the left side of the Campus. So I had to go down to the Devcom building and rush to class. It was 6:55 but my sweat felt like 5:00pm. I was running out of air and outside the facade I was panting hard, it was the first day of school so I barely knew anyone. One girl was kind enough to indulge me and checked on me. My vision was blurry and sweat was covering my eyes but I could see the red shirt she was wearing and maong shorts. But what strikes me the most is her bright red hair. Speaking in a confused manner she asked why I was panting and soaked in sweat early in the morning.


“I thought I was running late”


“You’re fine, the professor was absent since he emailed that he doesn’t go to class in the first days, didn’t you receive one?”


“Nah, I was busy playing games all night, if that’s the case then what are you doing here?”


Hiding her face in her hair, she was visibly embarrassed and said “I was up all night watching Kdrama so I didn’t read the email also, I just got here”


I laughed loudly at her and she was visibly annoyed but laughed along as well. After laughing I noticed that her red hair was the tip of only what is beautiful to her. Her thin frame perfectly suited her tall stature and when she waved the hair that was covering her face, it was like a model doing a photo shoot. She was natural, with pearl white teeth and a wide smile and mean looking but rounded eyes that went well together. Still holding onto my knees I looked above and whispered “good job with that one.


Gathering my strength again I stood up and picked myself up and made my way to the bathroom. Walking forward she asked me where I was going, and I said “I’m going to change my shirt, do you want to tag along?” Visibly flustered, she took a step back and held her hands up as if I would do anything to her. Shaking my head I made my way into the bathroom and changed my clothes.

Walking outside, I was wondering what to do with the remaining hour and a half of free time that I still have. Around the campus I was looking for a girl named Marisol that I met a week ago in the campus tour. Because this university is wide enough that it requires a campus tour so that you don’t disappear in a moment's notice when you get lost. By the way this is UPLB if you are wondering about that, where each building has considerable distance between each other. This was my dream school ever since I was a kid so I was expecting something more on my first day. It was mundane at best but hey I'll take it. I  found out that the Marisol girl was in my every class. Where she was seated with a guy whose name I cannot remember. We introduced ourselves and sat together showing our individual schedules and seeing how all the time matches perfectly.


The class was casual at best where we introduced ourselves to each other and set expectations to the class and one another. There was a weird girl named Claire who said she admires dictators, but I couldn’t pay much attention since I’m still a bit frustrated that I woke up at five am only to have a class at 10am. I really didn’t pay much attention in class since I have little to no interest in my classmates. We were grouped by counting but Marisol were keen on keeping the one person she knows in the class so the teacher gave up and let us group ourselves. The rest of the classes went that way .


At night the Marisol was separated from me as she have errands to do at home and dorm. The last class finished at 6pm since we discussed so much after the introduction that it was exhausting. The problem is that I forgot to ask anyone where I could get a jeep to SM Calamba best. It was 7pm since I opted to eat at the campus since I know that the traffic will kill me. I walked back to our main building, hoping to use the bathroom but it was locked.


Disappointed as I may seem, there is an eerie feeling behind my back that I was not alone so I haste to leave the building immediately. I saw a streak of color red in my peripheral vision and feeling a weight and sensation rising up my spine; I was prepared to run. The hair on my back stood and I felt my sweat getting colder. My heart was beating in the manner it wanted to escape my chest. Then slowly I looked to my right.

A chapter rough draft

 

Halina, Sining and Bagwis are sitting under a tree staring at the campfire. Kilometers away they could hear the booming sound of advertisements of President Katuna. Sining, being the sensible of the bunch, saw that Bagwis was squirming of discomfort far from the booming noise itself. Halina was too focused on the noise and is infuriated and decided to pack her things up and encourage the other two to do so, they would move farther away from the city just to avoid the noise.

          While packing, Sining went to Bagwis and asked him of what is bothering him. the two conversed for a while and Halina wouldn’t notice because she was busy being annoyed and covering her ears. Sining leaned closer to Bagwis asking again, what is bothering him.

“Something is up with you, it’s not the noise itself, what is it?”

But her efforts to converse with him were in vain, she couldn’t get an answer.

          Sining , despite being the most sensible in the bunch, was clueless of the past that her companions have. She has her own demons too but they were able to be suppressed for quite some time. Halina was not someone she worry about as she saw her as a person of privilege, much to her distaste. It took a long trip before they could escape the loud noises. At last it was quiet, they were busy setting up their camp when  Halina approached Sining. She had a childish grin on her face and sining was visibly annoyed by the approach.

“I see you took quite a liking on Bagwis, seeing how he kicked your ass. You like it rough huh” Halina said while brushing her chin and grinning mockingly

“What no! why would you think of that, mind your own business”

Sining’s exclamation startled Bagwis and looked at the two of the ladies conversing. Halina awkwardly waved her hand at him saying there’s nothing wrong and pulled Sining behind a strangely huge rock. The grin of Halina’s face was beginning to annoy Sining ang turned her left hand into a hoove of a tikbalang, attempting to strike her. Then Halina spoke

“I know you’re concerned of him, I was just putting up a stupid front so he won’t suspect” Suddenly, the atmosphere changed along with the expression on Halina’s face. “I met him in a village burned to the ground, as he was helping refugees hide from the men of Katuna. I helped him secure the refugees to safety and decided to come along with me for some reason. You have to understand that he left everything to make a change. I do fear him though, as his anger towards Katuna is greater than his will to protect his people. Who knows?”

          It was quiet for a while and sining, upon hearing the story of Bagwis, convinced Halina to talk to him. it was a heated argument as halina greatly opposes it while Sining was persistent. The two ladies were loud and before they could draw a first attack, Bagwis swooped in and stopped the two ladies. He was visibly disappointed as hs eyes were red and his hair is a mess, he was sleeping soundly when the two girls were arguing. He didn’t have time to process much of what was happening and after he stopped the ladies, he slowly came back to his spot to sleep again. But sining had other plans.

          Halina was shushing Sining but the latter refuses to shut up. She was persistent to ask Bagwis of what is wrong despite the fact that he was sleeping. She is perceptive in other people’s feelings but seems to disrespect their willingness to sleep. The two argued so much that it was loud once more and bagwis was awake for real now. He had that disgruntled look on his face with his eyes piercing the two. The ladies hadn’t noticed immediately but they were feeling as if there is something evil staring at them

1st very rough draft

 

Halina did not bother to look back at the fire she was running away from, she had too much blisters on her feet and the heat and exhaustion is slowly taking her breathing away. The bukot hut where she was staying in caught flames and it had covered the entire barangay, Carrying only a knapsack pasiking filled with 2 clothes and two agimats, one anklet and one bracelet. She made her escape. she did not bother to look back despite her people running in chaos. She had planned her escape six full moons ago but couldn’t do it. The uripons were quick and the rajah’s soldiers, her father’s soldiers, were too quick on their feet. Being confined in a bukot your entire life takes so much from you that freedom is all you can think of. She was devastated of the flame swallowing my home but her leave has been due.

            Barefooted, She had sustained multiple cuts and bruises from running toward the forest. So, she took rest on a big tree and started sharpening bamboos; one long as a spear and two which acts as my swords, the act was not princess like as many may thought but her observation skills were often on point.

The sun rose twice ever since her escape and from the luxurious food her father offer her, now she only had berries to sustain her, she got lucky one time where a stray chicken came my way and it sustained me for a day. As she was resting and staring at the leaves of a tree, the night looms in once more and as her eyelids feels heavy, A wild rustling of leaves and heavy smell of tobacco took her attention. Looking up she saw a huge man, slim, ragged and slimy hair, wearing a tattered bahag with tobaccos on it and he was blowing one. He looked at her with a menacing stare as he puffs another; he looked at her and the moon once more. He did his best to look cool as possible but when one is towering and mostly dirty, you’re not taking hearts, you’re instilling fear in one. The he spoke in a deep hoarse voice:

            “What brings you to my forest?” It is rare for someone to come my way, and don’t bother trying to fight me, you just can’t. He stopped looking at me menacingly but he had that disinterested look on his face. She knew that he was expecting an answer but her entire body is too shaken to respond as if her soul was taken by ulilang kaluluwa. He sighed deeply and went down from his tree, as he thought it would comfort me but to see someone towering over you for over 7 feet does not really help alleviate your fear. She had prayed for hoped and pray for a god then she remembered she was a non-believer so she simply hoped that help would come.

            “Does my appearance bother you?” as he sat on the floor to level with her. She nodded her head the entire time and avoiding disagreeing with him, at this point he could say that taking a bath is a social construct and she would happily agree. The kapre was a nice dude and talked of things like rainbows and food in order to comfort her. He also talked of how his trees are often exploited, how humans often destroy his forests and how people would often get lost in his dimension. Far from the legends my parents told me he was a nice kapre, she guessed that not all aswangs are bad, in the long conversation they had he offered her a smoke but she don’t do such so she politely declined him and at that moment I realized that I lost my fear in talking to him, he realized how she was raised as a judgmental girl who based her assumptions based on looks. He was different from the looks of others but that doesn’t mean his heart is in another place.

            It turns out she was stuck in his dimension for three days and all the animals she “hunted” were a gift. Her ego was struck but she was alive to be offended to she didn’t mind. He mentioned someone who passed by. An energetic girl who was traveling the world, she was wearing blue tunic and is in search of an eagle. He told me that, that girl’s instinct was strong that he was found immediately. But unlike me, she was not hostile but rather friendly.

            “I think you stayed here for too long, I had long wanted company but I guess isolation is really my style” he said while standing up and stretching his absurdly long legs. He offered her a giant tobacco the size of her arm.

            “What? I won’t and can’t smoke the little one and you’re giving me this?!” She exclaimed. He had that disinterested look on his face as he was visibly annoyed by her as she keeps making assumptions before he could speak. He smacked the tobacco on her head and said “learn to listen before exclaiming in people you idiot!” She was visibly hurt from the smack and was tending to her little bump from this, while she was doing so he added “You’re not meant to smoke this, just lit it and –“ “then I will smoke it! Anyway what’s the point of litting them if you’re not got gonna smoke them” she interrupted again. She got another bump on her head she bowed her head as he saw how visibly annoyed the kapre is.

            “Kapre’s tobaccos are special, if it was lit by a human, it can the smoke shows where one’s fate is headed and the fallen ashes can show what the heart’s desire. It’s also a decent insect repellant.” She was amazed and concerned at the same time. First is that she gained something most people search their entire lives, a proper guide to where you’re heart lies and where you’re mean to be but she was concerned how she was perceived since she really looked clueless enough to be given a guide thereof.

            She appreciated it and kept it. She asked the kapre’s name in which he replied “I told you like 5 times, it’s baga” He told her to only lit the tobacco if only necessary as the item is not infinite, the hearts desire will often change but fate will not, and often human beings have tendency of ignoring what is essential and chasing what they want.

During their talk and upon listening to Baga’s instructions regarding the tobacco, she remembered whys she left home despite the demise it was experiencing. She hated it, every minute of it and as she’s walking away her thoughts were being clouded and her entire body was shivering. Her teeth were clenched along with her fists. She did not desire for that place to burn, she did not even bother to look back once. The town was dead long ago along with her family to her.

            Her family was far from perfect per se. being the eldest daughter she was expected to act in accordance to their will. Being a princess she was, she was confined in that bukot for years in order to train her in poising herself for a man. She never want any of that, though she wants to believe that everything do happen for a reason and Bathala has a higher plan. But even then she never liked the eyes that looked up to her so much and judge her in a second she crumble.

One misstep, one fail, one trip and all those clapping hands will start covering their mouths of rumors it was too much to take for a child. Her mistakes are of her own yet her achievements are shared. They applaud her excels in writing, combat and other skills yet criticize the errors of the world in which they have little to no control of.

Being the most talented and smartest in the family does have its perks but when all of their insecurities arise, even your parents, will pinpoint every mistake you make and try to make you feel bad for something you are proud of. Often they ridicule her looks and her manners in which they see as not princess like. The academy for princesses does not help also as it only creates tensions and raises her parent’s expectations.

Baga was growing weary of her as the kapre learned that he does not bode well with moping humans. He prefers isolation at this point. So he shooed away the princess and climbed back up to his tree. She took her leave and went on her travels once more. The kapre knew that she needed someone but he was not right for the job he watched slowly as she gets smaller on his sight. He lit up his tobacco once more and stared at the moon.

Halina walked once more and overwhelmed in her own thoughts she sought another place to sit. She looked around for another kapre but saw none. In an attempt to clear her thoughts: she took one of her stick and draws the baybayin symbol of “Pamilya” on sand, which is ironic because she hated hers. There were few redeeming traits as not all were bad, but the first thing in healing is accepting that they did do something but no, everytime she call them out she was called called arrogant and delusional.

Imagine being stabbed by a bolo, in order for it to heal you have to pull it out and let the wound heal by putting medicine and putting in pressure. But that is not the case right now; they haven’t pulled the blade let alone touch it. They even pretend that the blade is not there. In the search of traveling the world Halina seeks someone to pull the blade.

            She grabbed two sticks and started to ignite the straws lying on the ground. She pulled out the tobacco the kapre gave and started to ignite it. She looked up and the smoke rose above reaching the stars. Then a person appeared on the smoke, shivering.

Wired

We wish always for something more

And when that certain something more arrive

We crave the more we could muster

Because we are wired that way

We'll never know

Still I wonder if things would be better

In a world where I could call you mine

Could I make you happy?

Could you make me happy?

Is the world where the two of us

Ended up together forever

Happier than we are right now

Or we could be miserable

And senseless

I guess we'll never know

no more

No more will I wait

Nor chase what running

Soonest

It's pretty annoying

Pretty stupid to think

but these times

Where my mind is idle

Everything feels frustrating

It's annoying

That at this point in life

I never amounted much

The future looks bright

the present is just frustrating

I hope things do get better

And I will be in the place

Where i always wanted to be

Refresh

A little rest won't hurt

Stepping aside for a while

I'll do that

And see what refreshed me

Can do

Soon

I'll celebrate this day different

In a different timeline

On a future where things worked out

And I'm not scared to fight

Things will be happier

And they will be more content

Unrequited

Will the tides of time

Be ever in my favor

Someday I may call you mine

And face the future together

How I lament

A love so unrequited

As it has been since then

And things are not so different

Still I hope in the future

That your mind will change still

In time I know I will surrender

But I could fight for a little longer

I fall again

 Only if I can be more true

For the feelings I have for you

How stupid for me to think

That time will dissolve my feelings

As my avoidance did not help

And one message I fall again

Nil

No words fot today again